Saturday, 14 June 2014

Runstreak Day #196 - the parkrun fear

There is absolutely nothing to fear about a parkrun.  Zero.  As they say - it's just a run.  Not a race.

So why I end up in a flapping nervous panic about the whole thing, I will never understand.  In my job I regularly present at conferences and events - a task that most people would find daunting but which I enjoy and which doesn't make me feel anxious in the slightest.  But put me in running gear and tell me I should do a parkrun?!  Eeeeek!!

Things that make me nervous about a parkrun?

1.  Getting there on time
2.  Not letting myself down
3.  Feeling like everyone's faster than me
4.  Mentally setting myself up for disappointment if I don't get a decent time

I've overcome the 'running with other people' thing - I've done a couple of races and this is my 11th parkrun.  I've forced myself to run with others and can generally survive in one piece.  But I can't silence the inner 'you aren't good enough' voice.  You spend all those years believing - absolutely and totally believing - that you cannot run, and that voice doesn't know what to do with itself other than bleat 'you're not good enough' in the background.  While I ignore it most of the time, there's something about a parkrun which I find intimidating.  And yet again I battled the feeling that I should just stop as I ran this morning.  Frustratingly ridiculous!!

Anyway, my Garmin kindly tells me that my 5k time was 23:47 and my parkrun time is at 24:05 - both of which are fine an' dandy by me.  Not my fastest, but I am gradually trying to convince myself that I really can regularly run a sub-25 5k!  Plus, it was 6th fastest female finisher, which I'm happy with!

Running isn't just about the act of running, is it?  You tangle yourself up in all sorts of crazy mind games along the way.  Not knowing if you can run a distance.  Not knowing if you can reach the standard you've set in your mind.  Not knowing if you can survive the nerves.  Never quite feeling convinced you can actually do it.  The funny thing is, after over a year of running and 6 stones weight lost, to other people I do look like a runner.  I show up wearing running shorts and a vest.  Wear decent trainers.  Am pretty wiry looking these days.  My hair is scraped back in a ponytail ready to give it a go.

But inside I don't feel like a runner.  Mind over matter.  I shouldn't mind and it doesn't really matter.  But I *do* so want to feel the confidence of knowing that I can run.

And I've gone and washed my barcode with my shorts again.  Damn it!

Anyhoo... I did it.  Yet again I didn't let the voice win.  I ran a parkrun.  Go me!!

*happy dances*

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:3.15 mi
Moving Time:24:06
Elapsed Time:24:05
Avg Pace:7:39 min/mi
Avg Moving Pace:7:39 min/mi
Best Pace:5:49 min/mi

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