Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Runstreak Day #429 - a 'rest day'-ish... with beginners

There should have been two runs today.  Possibly even three.

There was one.  And it was short.  And very slow.  Well, I nearly typed 'snow' then, because I did get snowed on!  The other two runs should have been one to pick up my son from school... and one to run home from the beginners' group.  The first I didn't do because I had a nap (yup, still off work with PTSD *sigh*) and overslept.  The third I didn't do because I was offered a lift from a friend who knows what I'm going through... and the exhausted version of me went 'yes please' and was in the car before the more determined version could object!

Mondays are always hard though.  I had counselling in the morning, doctor at lunchtime... and was shattered by the afternoon.  It really takes it out of you, especially when you feel like you're falling further into the hole that is PTSD and you can't seem to find the brakes to stop yourself from doing so.  It's one of those things though.  It's a few months after the accident now and I'm sure no-one could imagine that it would still be affecting me.  Y'know, I'm pretty good at faking being okay for a short while (we're talking less than an hour!).  And then, I crash completely.

I got asked why I felt the need to fake being okay - and all I can say is that I want people to treat me normally.  I *want* to feel a bit normal.  I don't want other people to know how bad it has been.  And I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want advice.  I just want to keep trying my hardest to feel better and get the quiet that my brain craves.  So, why am I writing this here?  I guess because seeing the words on the page is useful for me in trying to unravel how this has affected me.

I guess also I need to write it down because if you just read my blog and thought 'oh, she's running every day, she must be fine', then I would have faked feeling okay enough to pass for normal.  Just for a bit anyway.

So... today I ran once.  I ran with our Monday evening beginners' group.  I felt useful.  I felt their positivity.  I enjoyed seeing their pride and happiness at what they achieved.  And no-one knew that inside, I felt as flat and exhausted as ever.  And no-one suspected that life is still anything other than normal.  Which is how I wanted it to be.

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