Today has been a complete roller-coaster of a day. Virtually no sleep and fizzing with stress when I woke up at the prospect of the inquest into the biker's death being held today. Fortunately, I could splurge about it in RMR Heart to Heart and empty my head of that just a little bit. That and running my youngest to school. On the way there, we were late, so the task was about concentrating on getting him to keep a move on on his scooter while he was mid-grump. And having arrived with one second to spare (go us!), I ran back up the big hill and down the other side to home. It distracted me for a short while from the relentless anxiety of the day. There's nothing like a long slog of a hill to make you focus on nothing but the hill. It's weirdly relaxing!
On the way down the hill across the park towards home, a man said to me 'you put us to shame' as I ran past. I smiled at him but then thought 'actually, you're out here, walking in the park on two crutches while I'm just lollopping along' - people don't realise that amazing efforts come in all shapes and sizes, do they?
Anyway, that was run 1. Run 2 was the school run in reverse. Yet again, I was late. This time, because I just couldn't get myself out of the house. I'd had a massive panic attack and taken a beta-blocker to calm it down. Completely forgetting what a crazy effect it has on my energy levels / blood pressure. Which is why by the time I'd picked up my son and he was scooting back up the hill, I was having to stop through sheer exhaustion and to prevent myself from fainting. Plus, he was really upset by the inquest and the accident and ended up in angry, confused tears about it all. Gah!
With 5 miles clocked up, there was just one run left to do. This one with my littlest and was a Sweatshop run at a different location from normal. He REALLY wanted to do it, and even though I was exhausted from a stressful day, thought that I should get out there with him. He was full of the joys of running and it was lovely to see him enjoying it so much. I'm glad we went.
The inquest verdict? Officially no blame on my husband which is a huge relief (but I don't suddenly feel better which is frustrating!). Plus, I also had an email inviting Zoe Blackburn and I to a 'This Girl Can' event next week, to 'shape future delivery for women and girls sport and physical activity participation in Nottingham' along with the proper sporting bods from our region - doesn't that sound grown up!!!
Running, yet again, provided a sanctuary from everything else that needed dealing with today. 439 days run. I'm glad of every single one of them.
Showing posts with label ptsd. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ptsd. Show all posts
Thursday, 12 February 2015
Thursday, 5 February 2015
Runstreak Day #432 - time to talk day
It's run to work day apparently! But since I'm (still!!) signed off work, I have no work to run to right now... so... instead I ran my littlest to school (me running, him on his scooter). That counts, right? The route is easy. Up a big hill. Down a big hill. Drop him off. Back up the big hill. Gratefully allow gravity to drag you back down towards home.
And all together it's only 2.5 miles. Which is good because I feel absolutely exhausted at the moment!
Anyone fancy a PTSD update? No? Ah well... skip this bit...
In the past four days, I've managed a grand total of 5 hours sleep. I've been prescribed sleeping tablets. And *still* only managed an hour's sleep having taken them! I've seen my counsellor - and blubbed my way through my session. Again. I've seen my doctor - and blubbed my way through my appointment. Again. I've been referred to (another) psychiatrist. Managed to lose yet more weight. And had nightmares every night and all the rest of that good stuff that comes with PTSD. And most of the time when I'm around other people, I am pretty good at faking that I'm okay for a short while, because I want them to treat me like the normal Sarah. Not the one who's writing this.
Why the PTSD update? Because it's also 'Time to Talk' Day (http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/timetotalkday) and I think I just want people to know that even if you feel consumed by mental health problems, you can still find positive things to do. You can still get out there and run. You can still hold on to something that makes you feel good about yourself.
Your life can go from being perfectly fine one day, to an unrecognisable mess the next. In my case, because of a fatal traffic accident. Or it can be a slow slide into feeling unwell. If you can, keep running. Keep reminding yourself who you are and who you'll be again when you're feeling better.
Keep running. It's worth it. You're worth it.
And all together it's only 2.5 miles. Which is good because I feel absolutely exhausted at the moment!
Anyone fancy a PTSD update? No? Ah well... skip this bit...
In the past four days, I've managed a grand total of 5 hours sleep. I've been prescribed sleeping tablets. And *still* only managed an hour's sleep having taken them! I've seen my counsellor - and blubbed my way through my session. Again. I've seen my doctor - and blubbed my way through my appointment. Again. I've been referred to (another) psychiatrist. Managed to lose yet more weight. And had nightmares every night and all the rest of that good stuff that comes with PTSD. And most of the time when I'm around other people, I am pretty good at faking that I'm okay for a short while, because I want them to treat me like the normal Sarah. Not the one who's writing this.
Why the PTSD update? Because it's also 'Time to Talk' Day (http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/timetotalkday) and I think I just want people to know that even if you feel consumed by mental health problems, you can still find positive things to do. You can still get out there and run. You can still hold on to something that makes you feel good about yourself.
Your life can go from being perfectly fine one day, to an unrecognisable mess the next. In my case, because of a fatal traffic accident. Or it can be a slow slide into feeling unwell. If you can, keep running. Keep reminding yourself who you are and who you'll be again when you're feeling better.
Keep running. It's worth it. You're worth it.
Tuesday, 3 February 2015
Runstreak Day #429 - a 'rest day'-ish... with beginners
There should have been two runs today. Possibly even three.
There was one. And it was short. And very slow. Well, I nearly typed 'snow' then, because I did get snowed on! The other two runs should have been one to pick up my son from school... and one to run home from the beginners' group. The first I didn't do because I had a nap (yup, still off work with PTSD *sigh*) and overslept. The third I didn't do because I was offered a lift from a friend who knows what I'm going through... and the exhausted version of me went 'yes please' and was in the car before the more determined version could object!
Mondays are always hard though. I had counselling in the morning, doctor at lunchtime... and was shattered by the afternoon. It really takes it out of you, especially when you feel like you're falling further into the hole that is PTSD and you can't seem to find the brakes to stop yourself from doing so. It's one of those things though. It's a few months after the accident now and I'm sure no-one could imagine that it would still be affecting me. Y'know, I'm pretty good at faking being okay for a short while (we're talking less than an hour!). And then, I crash completely.
I got asked why I felt the need to fake being okay - and all I can say is that I want people to treat me normally. I *want* to feel a bit normal. I don't want other people to know how bad it has been. And I don't want to talk about it. I don't want advice. I just want to keep trying my hardest to feel better and get the quiet that my brain craves. So, why am I writing this here? I guess because seeing the words on the page is useful for me in trying to unravel how this has affected me.
I guess also I need to write it down because if you just read my blog and thought 'oh, she's running every day, she must be fine', then I would have faked feeling okay enough to pass for normal. Just for a bit anyway.
So... today I ran once. I ran with our Monday evening beginners' group. I felt useful. I felt their positivity. I enjoyed seeing their pride and happiness at what they achieved. And no-one knew that inside, I felt as flat and exhausted as ever. And no-one suspected that life is still anything other than normal. Which is how I wanted it to be.
There was one. And it was short. And very slow. Well, I nearly typed 'snow' then, because I did get snowed on! The other two runs should have been one to pick up my son from school... and one to run home from the beginners' group. The first I didn't do because I had a nap (yup, still off work with PTSD *sigh*) and overslept. The third I didn't do because I was offered a lift from a friend who knows what I'm going through... and the exhausted version of me went 'yes please' and was in the car before the more determined version could object!
Mondays are always hard though. I had counselling in the morning, doctor at lunchtime... and was shattered by the afternoon. It really takes it out of you, especially when you feel like you're falling further into the hole that is PTSD and you can't seem to find the brakes to stop yourself from doing so. It's one of those things though. It's a few months after the accident now and I'm sure no-one could imagine that it would still be affecting me. Y'know, I'm pretty good at faking being okay for a short while (we're talking less than an hour!). And then, I crash completely.
I got asked why I felt the need to fake being okay - and all I can say is that I want people to treat me normally. I *want* to feel a bit normal. I don't want other people to know how bad it has been. And I don't want to talk about it. I don't want advice. I just want to keep trying my hardest to feel better and get the quiet that my brain craves. So, why am I writing this here? I guess because seeing the words on the page is useful for me in trying to unravel how this has affected me.
I guess also I need to write it down because if you just read my blog and thought 'oh, she's running every day, she must be fine', then I would have faked feeling okay enough to pass for normal. Just for a bit anyway.
So... today I ran once. I ran with our Monday evening beginners' group. I felt useful. I felt their positivity. I enjoyed seeing their pride and happiness at what they achieved. And no-one knew that inside, I felt as flat and exhausted as ever. And no-one suspected that life is still anything other than normal. Which is how I wanted it to be.
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
Runstreak Day #402 - rest can be active
... because active is what helps you hold on to your sanity. I haven't mentioned it much lately, but I am still being quite badly affected by PTSD. I haven't been at work since the accident and am signed off for another 6 weeks. When I've been writing about my running recently, I've tried to focus on the running rather than the feelings behind the running. But I think with having had a chest infection this past week, people are judging me for making a bad choice to run at all. They really don't get it though. The idea that somehow I'm setting a bad example to others by running when I'm not 100% doesn't sit well with me. Not least because, to be honest, I haven't been 100% for months. I'm just getting better at hiding how bad it can be.
An example - last night, I slept for 1 hour. That was it. That's not unusual. I am woken by nightmares every single night. And by around about 2am that's it for sleeping. I have nightmares about the accident. I have nightmares about driving again. I have nightmares about bikers dying on roads in front of me. I struggle to walk outside on my own without listening to music so loudly I can't hear the traffic. I struggle to be a passenger in a car without gripping on to the door and seat, bracing myself for an impact which feels inevitable. I have flashbacks where I feel the impact again and again, the pain searing in my leg once more as it happens. I can't even sit in the driver's side of a car and the thought of driving is enough to induce a panic attack. It's only in the last few weeks that I've been able to let go of some of the guilt about the accident. I can fake doing normal for a short while in front of other people. But it's absolutely and utterly exhausting. And yes, despite all of that, it is slowly, slowly getting better. Yet, it's not better by any means.
So, when people think I'm making a bad choice for running when I have a chest infection - well, maybe I am. Maybe I would be making a bad choice if I were them. But I'm not them. I'm me, finding a way to be free for a short while. To run. To be outside without a crushing fear overwhelming me. And yes, I might well cough and feel rough. You know what? I might well be setting a bad example - if my life weren't the way it is at the moment - but it is how it is, and along with counselling and medication, I run to feel better. I run to remember how life *can* feel.
And tonight I ran again. When anyone else might be tucked up in bed, coughing. I ran. I didn't run far, I didn't run fast. But I was outside, on my own, and I felt safe. For a short, precious while, I felt safe again.
An example - last night, I slept for 1 hour. That was it. That's not unusual. I am woken by nightmares every single night. And by around about 2am that's it for sleeping. I have nightmares about the accident. I have nightmares about driving again. I have nightmares about bikers dying on roads in front of me. I struggle to walk outside on my own without listening to music so loudly I can't hear the traffic. I struggle to be a passenger in a car without gripping on to the door and seat, bracing myself for an impact which feels inevitable. I have flashbacks where I feel the impact again and again, the pain searing in my leg once more as it happens. I can't even sit in the driver's side of a car and the thought of driving is enough to induce a panic attack. It's only in the last few weeks that I've been able to let go of some of the guilt about the accident. I can fake doing normal for a short while in front of other people. But it's absolutely and utterly exhausting. And yes, despite all of that, it is slowly, slowly getting better. Yet, it's not better by any means.
So, when people think I'm making a bad choice for running when I have a chest infection - well, maybe I am. Maybe I would be making a bad choice if I were them. But I'm not them. I'm me, finding a way to be free for a short while. To run. To be outside without a crushing fear overwhelming me. And yes, I might well cough and feel rough. You know what? I might well be setting a bad example - if my life weren't the way it is at the moment - but it is how it is, and along with counselling and medication, I run to feel better. I run to remember how life *can* feel.
And tonight I ran again. When anyone else might be tucked up in bed, coughing. I ran. I didn't run far, I didn't run fast. But I was outside, on my own, and I felt safe. For a short, precious while, I felt safe again.
Friday, 2 January 2015
Runstreak Day #398 - still wheezing
Took it very steady today as my chest infection still hasn't coughed its last and I'm not feeling 100% at all. The sensible thing to do would be to rest, but I really can't be bothered with being sensible. Although I had a really good day with family, I needed the headspace after full-on busyness all day, plus a physio session too.
I also had a stark reminder that the PTSD still has a strong hold on me after going to walk down to the shop this morning and realising in the first few seconds that I'd forgotten my iPod. That doesn't sound like much, but to get myself walking and not freezing / panicking, I've been listening to my iPod loudly so it blanks out the noise of traffic etc. Well, I thought to myself 'I've walked for miles and miles trying to get better at being on my own outside, I can do this'... only... it turned out that I REALLY couldn't. I was so disappointed and angry at myself. I just couldn't keep myself going without the panic hitting again and again. I was almost in tears by the time I got to the shop and when I'd bought what I needed had to force myself out of the shop to walk home again. It was all overwhelming.
So, the need to feel free and okay outside again was very strong. I felt exhausted and wheezy... but I needed to run. I listened to the Couch to 5k podcasts I'd used to get me running in the first place two years ago as I'm starting to run beginners sessions in just over a week's time and I wanted to refresh it in my mind and think about how to plan for my own sessions. It was good to hear it and although I wasn't following along with it, it helped me remember how it felt to start and that's going to be so useful for the sessions. I ended up running just over 5k and then coughed and coughed my way into a shower when I got home.
Two more days until day 400. That's a lotta runs, isn't it! Could wish that I was having some easier runs at the moment though. Maybe that'll be the way to celebrate day 400? A nice happy easy healthy well run!! Yeah, that'd be good!!
I also had a stark reminder that the PTSD still has a strong hold on me after going to walk down to the shop this morning and realising in the first few seconds that I'd forgotten my iPod. That doesn't sound like much, but to get myself walking and not freezing / panicking, I've been listening to my iPod loudly so it blanks out the noise of traffic etc. Well, I thought to myself 'I've walked for miles and miles trying to get better at being on my own outside, I can do this'... only... it turned out that I REALLY couldn't. I was so disappointed and angry at myself. I just couldn't keep myself going without the panic hitting again and again. I was almost in tears by the time I got to the shop and when I'd bought what I needed had to force myself out of the shop to walk home again. It was all overwhelming.
So, the need to feel free and okay outside again was very strong. I felt exhausted and wheezy... but I needed to run. I listened to the Couch to 5k podcasts I'd used to get me running in the first place two years ago as I'm starting to run beginners sessions in just over a week's time and I wanted to refresh it in my mind and think about how to plan for my own sessions. It was good to hear it and although I wasn't following along with it, it helped me remember how it felt to start and that's going to be so useful for the sessions. I ended up running just over 5k and then coughed and coughed my way into a shower when I got home.
Two more days until day 400. That's a lotta runs, isn't it! Could wish that I was having some easier runs at the moment though. Maybe that'll be the way to celebrate day 400? A nice happy easy healthy well run!! Yeah, that'd be good!!
Tuesday, 9 December 2014
Runstreak Day #374 - the radio interview!
Cooer, today was a funny old day! A year ago, I was just over a week into the Advent Streak, Day 9 and hardly believing that I'd managed to run for 9 days in a row without a break. Today, I ran for my 374th day in a row. And didn't even really think about whether or not I would run, I just ran.
After all those days of running though - you can still learn something new. My latest thing is running without putting my hair up. At first as I ran down the hill, it felt amazing. All whooshy and swishy. Then... the wind blasted me sideways and I ended up running through the bush that is my hair. I looked like a curly-haired Cousin It, attempting to navigate the streets of Nottingham. So, my new thing? If it's windy, forsake the swoosh-factor and PUT YOUR HAIR UP. Unless you really like the taste of hair. And enjoy having it in your eyes and up your nose! Whaddya mean, is that all you learned? I didn't say it was anything deep and philosophical that you could learn!! I am a shallow wotsit sometimes. :D
In fact, today's run was pretty short, but it didn't matter. It's keeping me from going mad by *not* running, and not aggravating my back too much (okay, a bit, but not terribly). I had yet another awful night and a tricky morning too - the wind and crazy weather at least woke me up and made me feel alive today. Which was much needed.
Oh, and my other bit of my 'funny old day', was being on BBC Radio Nottingham talking about my running streak. I'm sure everyone who listened probably thought I was a bit crazy... but I did give a big ol' shout out to the groups who've inspired me. Life is very hard work at the moment dealing with PTSD - it feels almost miraculous that running's given me something so positive to talk about and focus on, even if it's only for a few minutes each day.
I have earned a cuppa.
After all those days of running though - you can still learn something new. My latest thing is running without putting my hair up. At first as I ran down the hill, it felt amazing. All whooshy and swishy. Then... the wind blasted me sideways and I ended up running through the bush that is my hair. I looked like a curly-haired Cousin It, attempting to navigate the streets of Nottingham. So, my new thing? If it's windy, forsake the swoosh-factor and PUT YOUR HAIR UP. Unless you really like the taste of hair. And enjoy having it in your eyes and up your nose! Whaddya mean, is that all you learned? I didn't say it was anything deep and philosophical that you could learn!! I am a shallow wotsit sometimes. :D
In fact, today's run was pretty short, but it didn't matter. It's keeping me from going mad by *not* running, and not aggravating my back too much (okay, a bit, but not terribly). I had yet another awful night and a tricky morning too - the wind and crazy weather at least woke me up and made me feel alive today. Which was much needed.
Oh, and my other bit of my 'funny old day', was being on BBC Radio Nottingham talking about my running streak. I'm sure everyone who listened probably thought I was a bit crazy... but I did give a big ol' shout out to the groups who've inspired me. Life is very hard work at the moment dealing with PTSD - it feels almost miraculous that running's given me something so positive to talk about and focus on, even if it's only for a few minutes each day.
I have earned a cuppa.
Friday, 5 December 2014
Runstreak Day #370 - short 'un s'all
I was a good runner today. Well, almost. Okay, so I'm not supposed to have run today at all... but I didn't go far and I didn't go that fast. So, that's almost good, isn't that right? And I did confess a couple of runs to my physio who dutifully laughed, nagged ever so slightly and rolled his eyes at me in acceptance of the fact that I am a lost cause. Especially when I confessed that one of those runs amounted to 11 miles. And he said 'when I said two runs, I didn't quite imagine you doing that'... well... the devil's in the detail, right? And if he didn't explicitly say that, then... *whistles and ignores the other five runs this last week*
He also tried to explain to me why my back would be more sore after the exercises he'd given me. He was trying to liken it to the aching legs you get after a run. 'But, I don't get aching legs' I said. 'Not at all?' he asked. 'Nope... otherwise how would I run every day... I mean... how would I normally run every day', I reply, almost giving away the fact that I've kept on running every day. Whoopsie! :o)
It was bloomin' cold out today for a run, not inspiring at all. And when all you can do is lollop fairly slowly around, that's not especially fun either. My back and hip are complaining a bit though, so sensible and slow seem to be the only options for a bit longer. My mobility in my back is still rubbish and the inflammation hasn't completely gone yet, so, that's probably what's making me run a bit lopsided and aggravating my left hip and knee in the process. Damn mechanics! Just get better back! Just get better!!
Still, at least running a bit earlier today meant that I didn't have to do an exhausted post-physio run. I'm always shattered after having acupuncture (plus, we have to drive home in the dark which triggers flashbacks and general anxiety which is also very tiring) - and sore too. Which means that this evening I'm resting... which makes me virtuous in the extreme. And all ready to run again tomorrow!
Yay!!
Geeky stats stuff
He also tried to explain to me why my back would be more sore after the exercises he'd given me. He was trying to liken it to the aching legs you get after a run. 'But, I don't get aching legs' I said. 'Not at all?' he asked. 'Nope... otherwise how would I run every day... I mean... how would I normally run every day', I reply, almost giving away the fact that I've kept on running every day. Whoopsie! :o)
It was bloomin' cold out today for a run, not inspiring at all. And when all you can do is lollop fairly slowly around, that's not especially fun either. My back and hip are complaining a bit though, so sensible and slow seem to be the only options for a bit longer. My mobility in my back is still rubbish and the inflammation hasn't completely gone yet, so, that's probably what's making me run a bit lopsided and aggravating my left hip and knee in the process. Damn mechanics! Just get better back! Just get better!!
Still, at least running a bit earlier today meant that I didn't have to do an exhausted post-physio run. I'm always shattered after having acupuncture (plus, we have to drive home in the dark which triggers flashbacks and general anxiety which is also very tiring) - and sore too. Which means that this evening I'm resting... which makes me virtuous in the extreme. And all ready to run again tomorrow!
Yay!!
Geeky stats stuff
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
Runstreak Day #358 - one week left...
... and yet another very sensible run today because my back is still bad and keeps on seizing up if I stay put for too long. Ouch!
And exactly the same route as yesterday and the day before. It's the flattest couple of miles I can manage from my house and not get too far from home in case my back gives completely. It might be boring, but sometimes it's quite nice to just switch off. There was one moment where an over-powered car went by too loud, too fast and too close which triggered an accident flashback... but other than that, my mind just drifted.
I think that's something that's happened since starting this running streak almost a year ago. I have had great runs. I've had atrocious ones. But actually, I'm okay with being in my own head when I'm running these days. I don't need music. I know my routes. I can switch off. It's been so important for me in the last couple of months to have that. When I started the runstreak, I wasn't in that place with my running. I was more interested in increasing my pace. Going further. Doing more. Now, I don't really care. I just love running for the sake of running. I'm curious as to what else I could do, but it doesn't drive me.
Above all, doing a long runstreak has taught me to value the next day's run as much as today's. I don't jeopardise tomorrow's run by taking risks I can't manage today. So, yes, my back is painful... and I've still got problems with my energy, with my ankle, with my neck and shoulders... but I am running really gently right now, and that's physically manageable... and the benefits running gives me when dealing with PTSD are immeasurable.
Short, sensible, free. I still have something that's me. I'm glad I started my runstreak to make running such a normal part of my life that it's able to give something back to me when I've needed it.
Geeky stats stuff
And exactly the same route as yesterday and the day before. It's the flattest couple of miles I can manage from my house and not get too far from home in case my back gives completely. It might be boring, but sometimes it's quite nice to just switch off. There was one moment where an over-powered car went by too loud, too fast and too close which triggered an accident flashback... but other than that, my mind just drifted.
I think that's something that's happened since starting this running streak almost a year ago. I have had great runs. I've had atrocious ones. But actually, I'm okay with being in my own head when I'm running these days. I don't need music. I know my routes. I can switch off. It's been so important for me in the last couple of months to have that. When I started the runstreak, I wasn't in that place with my running. I was more interested in increasing my pace. Going further. Doing more. Now, I don't really care. I just love running for the sake of running. I'm curious as to what else I could do, but it doesn't drive me.
Above all, doing a long runstreak has taught me to value the next day's run as much as today's. I don't jeopardise tomorrow's run by taking risks I can't manage today. So, yes, my back is painful... and I've still got problems with my energy, with my ankle, with my neck and shoulders... but I am running really gently right now, and that's physically manageable... and the benefits running gives me when dealing with PTSD are immeasurable.
Short, sensible, free. I still have something that's me. I'm glad I started my runstreak to make running such a normal part of my life that it's able to give something back to me when I've needed it.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 2.13 mi |
| Time: | 17:58 |
| Avg Pace: | 8:27 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 83 ft |
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
Runstreak Day #347 - slowness personified
I thought about stopping my runstreak today. I thought about it on and off all day. But I really don't want to.
It's not the runstreak, to be honest. It's the chance that the run will be okay and I'll get to feel normal that I don't want to let go of. I ended up running with Sweatshop and had the same lovely runner as at the weekend run with me and put up with my stopping every so often to feel grotty.
At least I managed to run. I feel quite, I don't know, judged for carrying on running at the moment. It's not as if I don't know that rest is an option. It's not as if I don't know that I could stop. But it really isn't like that. I'm not obsessively running to clock up the days. Yes, I know I write down the number, but that's just a handy way of logging things. I just want to feel happy again. I want to feel free. I want to feel like me. I want to have a route back into myself that without running feels harder to find.
So, I put on my trainers. I give it another go. I try my hardest to see what I can achieve. I try my hardest not to cry with frustration that it's so damn hard at the moment. And it's not me *not* being 'kind' to myself by carrying on. It's me offering myself a tiny bit of hope that it will be better. That I'll feel better. That one day soon this nightmare of PTSD will ease and that I will be okay.
You don't enjoy every run. You don't always feel joy while you're running. I might feel anxious and ill a lot of the time right now... and maybe that is intruding into my running. But while I can at least try to run, I'm going to give it my best go.
Geeky stats stuff
It's not the runstreak, to be honest. It's the chance that the run will be okay and I'll get to feel normal that I don't want to let go of. I ended up running with Sweatshop and had the same lovely runner as at the weekend run with me and put up with my stopping every so often to feel grotty.
At least I managed to run. I feel quite, I don't know, judged for carrying on running at the moment. It's not as if I don't know that rest is an option. It's not as if I don't know that I could stop. But it really isn't like that. I'm not obsessively running to clock up the days. Yes, I know I write down the number, but that's just a handy way of logging things. I just want to feel happy again. I want to feel free. I want to feel like me. I want to have a route back into myself that without running feels harder to find.
So, I put on my trainers. I give it another go. I try my hardest to see what I can achieve. I try my hardest not to cry with frustration that it's so damn hard at the moment. And it's not me *not* being 'kind' to myself by carrying on. It's me offering myself a tiny bit of hope that it will be better. That I'll feel better. That one day soon this nightmare of PTSD will ease and that I will be okay.
You don't enjoy every run. You don't always feel joy while you're running. I might feel anxious and ill a lot of the time right now... and maybe that is intruding into my running. But while I can at least try to run, I'm going to give it my best go.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 3.18 mi |
| Time: | 31:56 |
| Avg Pace: | 10:03 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 107 ft |
Sunday, 16 November 2014
Runstreak Day #341 - slowness prevails...
Yes. More slow running. And more nearly fainting too.
Aaaargh!!
This time, I ended up sat on a bench with my head between my legs as the ground went swirly in front of me. Had to stop a few times after that as well because I still wasn't feeling good. I am torn between wanting to run to feel the freedom of running... and feeling too ill to run. At the moment, I need the feeling of freedom more than anything because life has become a restricted, anxiety-fest which isn't much fun at all. But boy oh boy is it hard. When I'm feeling better, I will *never* take it for granted. Being able to run with ease is a luxury.
I will also remember that when I'm doing the beginners' courses we're running from January. The joy of running can seem so far away when running itself is hard work. You have to feel that it's worth it though to carry on, don't you? Whatever worth there is in it, you have to tap into that to find your motivation.
Oh, and today's run was actually two runs. One was me running on my own - listening to music for a change (which didn't help!). And struggling with the big hill and my general tiredness. The second was with a friend as we went to see how another beginner group was being run. Less struggle, more chatting for the second run. Running friends are brilliant. Especially when they understand what you're going through.
And that's another of the reasons why I'm still running.
Geeky stats stuff
Aaaargh!!
This time, I ended up sat on a bench with my head between my legs as the ground went swirly in front of me. Had to stop a few times after that as well because I still wasn't feeling good. I am torn between wanting to run to feel the freedom of running... and feeling too ill to run. At the moment, I need the feeling of freedom more than anything because life has become a restricted, anxiety-fest which isn't much fun at all. But boy oh boy is it hard. When I'm feeling better, I will *never* take it for granted. Being able to run with ease is a luxury.
I will also remember that when I'm doing the beginners' courses we're running from January. The joy of running can seem so far away when running itself is hard work. You have to feel that it's worth it though to carry on, don't you? Whatever worth there is in it, you have to tap into that to find your motivation.
Oh, and today's run was actually two runs. One was me running on my own - listening to music for a change (which didn't help!). And struggling with the big hill and my general tiredness. The second was with a friend as we went to see how another beginner group was being run. Less struggle, more chatting for the second run. Running friends are brilliant. Especially when they understand what you're going through.
And that's another of the reasons why I'm still running.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 3.14 mi |
| Time: | 28:19 |
| Avg Pace: | 9:01 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 210 ft |
Runstreak Day #340 - aaargh! Another tough run!
Can I just recommend not having PTSD to people? It sucks massively. And it's sucking the life out of my running at the moment. My energy is in the toilet. My sleep is massively disrupted. Physically I'm still recovering from the accident. Emotionally, I feel ridiculously low. And the medication I'm now on is leaving me feeling pretty darned horrible.
So, in terms of things not to experience... I recommend not experiencing PTSD and running. It is threatening to rob me of my love of running and it is only through stubborn stupidity that I won't give in to it. I could quite happily just curl up and shut myself away from the world and wait for it to quiet down and for me to feel better. Instead, I went (well, was driven - am still not back to driving) to SRC where it was a hilly Wednesday run in prospect. Normally, I really enjoy the challenge of that route. I like chatting with people beforehand and the matey relief at surviving the hill afterwards. But tonight I felt a bit anxious about it. Because of the fireworks going off (a lovely reminder of the airbag going off in the car accident a few weeks ago), but also because I know my energy is terrible at the moment. A route I can normally run with no issue has become hard.
Aaaargh!!!
I ended up having to stop a few times as I ran up the hill. Which is not like me at all. I don't know how I'm going to manage the trail half I'm doing in 10 days time when I can't even get up a relatively small hill, and I have several BIG climbs to do. I guess just getting round and being grateful that I'm there at all will have to be enough.
You know what? That *is* enough. I am struggling at the moment *because* I survived a fatal road traffic collision. I survived. This is hard right now... but I survived. And I still get to run, no matter how hard it might be. That's definitely enough.
Geeky stats stuff
So, in terms of things not to experience... I recommend not experiencing PTSD and running. It is threatening to rob me of my love of running and it is only through stubborn stupidity that I won't give in to it. I could quite happily just curl up and shut myself away from the world and wait for it to quiet down and for me to feel better. Instead, I went (well, was driven - am still not back to driving) to SRC where it was a hilly Wednesday run in prospect. Normally, I really enjoy the challenge of that route. I like chatting with people beforehand and the matey relief at surviving the hill afterwards. But tonight I felt a bit anxious about it. Because of the fireworks going off (a lovely reminder of the airbag going off in the car accident a few weeks ago), but also because I know my energy is terrible at the moment. A route I can normally run with no issue has become hard.
Aaaargh!!!
I ended up having to stop a few times as I ran up the hill. Which is not like me at all. I don't know how I'm going to manage the trail half I'm doing in 10 days time when I can't even get up a relatively small hill, and I have several BIG climbs to do. I guess just getting round and being grateful that I'm there at all will have to be enough.
You know what? That *is* enough. I am struggling at the moment *because* I survived a fatal road traffic collision. I survived. This is hard right now... but I survived. And I still get to run, no matter how hard it might be. That's definitely enough.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 4.04 mi |
| Time: | 35:24 |
| Avg Pace: | 8:46 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 246 ft |
Sunday, 9 November 2014
Runstreak Day #331 - that place beyond treacle...
Moany update alert...
So, today's run was ridiculously rough. I had a terrible night's sleep - nightmares and flashbacks galore - and even managed the feat of waking up in tears. Not crying once I'd woken up, no... waking up to find my face wet with tears. You can tell that I wasn't especially rested, right?! The rest of the day involved counselling and a doctor's appointment - such are the delights of post-traumatic stress. And therefore more blubbing.
Now, I know that people say that running is therapy. Well, I'll tell you what. Running isn't therapy. Therapy is hard, draining, emotional stuff. Running should be a joy. Should be freedom. Should be space and time and strength. Then again, today's run was hard and draining... and physically I felt so tired that I struggled to run at all.
I decided to try listening to music as I ran, which I haven't done in absolutely ages. I couldn't find my running rhythm at all. And in the end, I stood, in the cold and dark and listened to the music. Just me. No-one else about. On my own. And wondered what I was doing at all. I didn't really care what I looked like. I closed my eyes. Listened to the music. And stood.
Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have gone for a run at all. Maybe, after 331 days, today should have been a rest day.
No. Sod it. I deserve to attempt to at least try to feel like me. Even if it doesn't pay off. At least I tried.
If there turns out to be no point to running every day, at least I was doing something to find that out rather than staying at home and doing nothing.
Geeky stats stuff
So, today's run was ridiculously rough. I had a terrible night's sleep - nightmares and flashbacks galore - and even managed the feat of waking up in tears. Not crying once I'd woken up, no... waking up to find my face wet with tears. You can tell that I wasn't especially rested, right?! The rest of the day involved counselling and a doctor's appointment - such are the delights of post-traumatic stress. And therefore more blubbing.
Now, I know that people say that running is therapy. Well, I'll tell you what. Running isn't therapy. Therapy is hard, draining, emotional stuff. Running should be a joy. Should be freedom. Should be space and time and strength. Then again, today's run was hard and draining... and physically I felt so tired that I struggled to run at all.
I decided to try listening to music as I ran, which I haven't done in absolutely ages. I couldn't find my running rhythm at all. And in the end, I stood, in the cold and dark and listened to the music. Just me. No-one else about. On my own. And wondered what I was doing at all. I didn't really care what I looked like. I closed my eyes. Listened to the music. And stood.
Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have gone for a run at all. Maybe, after 331 days, today should have been a rest day.
No. Sod it. I deserve to attempt to at least try to feel like me. Even if it doesn't pay off. At least I tried.
If there turns out to be no point to running every day, at least I was doing something to find that out rather than staying at home and doing nothing.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 2.65 mi |
| Time: | 24:48 |
| Avg Pace: | 9:22 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 110 ft |
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