Today has been a complete roller-coaster of a day. Virtually no sleep and fizzing with stress when I woke up at the prospect of the inquest into the biker's death being held today. Fortunately, I could splurge about it in RMR Heart to Heart and empty my head of that just a little bit. That and running my youngest to school. On the way there, we were late, so the task was about concentrating on getting him to keep a move on on his scooter while he was mid-grump. And having arrived with one second to spare (go us!), I ran back up the big hill and down the other side to home. It distracted me for a short while from the relentless anxiety of the day. There's nothing like a long slog of a hill to make you focus on nothing but the hill. It's weirdly relaxing!
On the way down the hill across the park towards home, a man said to me 'you put us to shame' as I ran past. I smiled at him but then thought 'actually, you're out here, walking in the park on two crutches while I'm just lollopping along' - people don't realise that amazing efforts come in all shapes and sizes, do they?
Anyway, that was run 1. Run 2 was the school run in reverse. Yet again, I was late. This time, because I just couldn't get myself out of the house. I'd had a massive panic attack and taken a beta-blocker to calm it down. Completely forgetting what a crazy effect it has on my energy levels / blood pressure. Which is why by the time I'd picked up my son and he was scooting back up the hill, I was having to stop through sheer exhaustion and to prevent myself from fainting. Plus, he was really upset by the inquest and the accident and ended up in angry, confused tears about it all. Gah!
With 5 miles clocked up, there was just one run left to do. This one with my littlest and was a Sweatshop run at a different location from normal. He REALLY wanted to do it, and even though I was exhausted from a stressful day, thought that I should get out there with him. He was full of the joys of running and it was lovely to see him enjoying it so much. I'm glad we went.
The inquest verdict? Officially no blame on my husband which is a huge relief (but I don't suddenly feel better which is frustrating!). Plus, I also had an email inviting Zoe Blackburn and I to a 'This Girl Can' event next week, to 'shape future delivery for women and girls sport and physical activity participation in Nottingham' along with the proper sporting bods from our region - doesn't that sound grown up!!!
Running, yet again, provided a sanctuary from everything else that needed dealing with today. 439 days run. I'm glad of every single one of them.
Showing posts with label accident. Show all posts
Showing posts with label accident. Show all posts
Thursday, 12 February 2015
Sunday, 9 November 2014
Runstreak Day #331 - that place beyond treacle...
Moany update alert...
So, today's run was ridiculously rough. I had a terrible night's sleep - nightmares and flashbacks galore - and even managed the feat of waking up in tears. Not crying once I'd woken up, no... waking up to find my face wet with tears. You can tell that I wasn't especially rested, right?! The rest of the day involved counselling and a doctor's appointment - such are the delights of post-traumatic stress. And therefore more blubbing.
Now, I know that people say that running is therapy. Well, I'll tell you what. Running isn't therapy. Therapy is hard, draining, emotional stuff. Running should be a joy. Should be freedom. Should be space and time and strength. Then again, today's run was hard and draining... and physically I felt so tired that I struggled to run at all.
I decided to try listening to music as I ran, which I haven't done in absolutely ages. I couldn't find my running rhythm at all. And in the end, I stood, in the cold and dark and listened to the music. Just me. No-one else about. On my own. And wondered what I was doing at all. I didn't really care what I looked like. I closed my eyes. Listened to the music. And stood.
Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have gone for a run at all. Maybe, after 331 days, today should have been a rest day.
No. Sod it. I deserve to attempt to at least try to feel like me. Even if it doesn't pay off. At least I tried.
If there turns out to be no point to running every day, at least I was doing something to find that out rather than staying at home and doing nothing.
Geeky stats stuff
So, today's run was ridiculously rough. I had a terrible night's sleep - nightmares and flashbacks galore - and even managed the feat of waking up in tears. Not crying once I'd woken up, no... waking up to find my face wet with tears. You can tell that I wasn't especially rested, right?! The rest of the day involved counselling and a doctor's appointment - such are the delights of post-traumatic stress. And therefore more blubbing.
Now, I know that people say that running is therapy. Well, I'll tell you what. Running isn't therapy. Therapy is hard, draining, emotional stuff. Running should be a joy. Should be freedom. Should be space and time and strength. Then again, today's run was hard and draining... and physically I felt so tired that I struggled to run at all.
I decided to try listening to music as I ran, which I haven't done in absolutely ages. I couldn't find my running rhythm at all. And in the end, I stood, in the cold and dark and listened to the music. Just me. No-one else about. On my own. And wondered what I was doing at all. I didn't really care what I looked like. I closed my eyes. Listened to the music. And stood.
Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have gone for a run at all. Maybe, after 331 days, today should have been a rest day.
No. Sod it. I deserve to attempt to at least try to feel like me. Even if it doesn't pay off. At least I tried.
If there turns out to be no point to running every day, at least I was doing something to find that out rather than staying at home and doing nothing.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 2.65 mi |
| Time: | 24:48 |
| Avg Pace: | 9:22 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 110 ft |
Sunday, 2 November 2014
Runstreak Day #321 - post-physio painful run
So... after a hilly (but fun) run with some lovely running friends last night... today... I had the opposite. A flatter, less fun run on my own for day 321... and a post-physio painful run at that.
When the physio (who is super dooper nice and enthusiastic even when he's inflicting pain!) says 'this will be sore for the next couple of days', you know that your run is going to be... ermmm... interesting. I managed just over a mile when the pain in my ankle made me stop for a moment. Swear a bit. Then carry on. And then another mile before the shoulder and back pain needed a bit of a stretch and a breather to try to lessen it hurting. And now I'm home, I'm still feeling sore. 'Sore for the next couple of days'... you say? Well, isn't that something to look forward to, Mr Physio. *winces*
In my brain, regardless of boring 'recovering from accident stuff' (still haven't managed walking by the road without blubbing in frustrated panic yet, and can't bring myself to drive - how pathetic am I!)... there is other good stuff to look forward to. I'm doing the Leadership in Running Fitness course a week on Saturday. We're going to register our Notts Women Runners group with Run England in the next few weeks. And I've entered another half marathon for next month (Beacon Trail Half Marathon - a half marathon for fun, what am I thinking?!?!).
Life may be temporarily derailed, but good ol' running is giving me stuff to focus on which is helping drag my head out of the sludge-fest it currently finds itself in. That's not bad going really. Thank you, running!
And tea. Thank you tea for being all tea-ish and delicious.
And painkillers. Those are awesome too. :o)
Geeky stats stuff
When the physio (who is super dooper nice and enthusiastic even when he's inflicting pain!) says 'this will be sore for the next couple of days', you know that your run is going to be... ermmm... interesting. I managed just over a mile when the pain in my ankle made me stop for a moment. Swear a bit. Then carry on. And then another mile before the shoulder and back pain needed a bit of a stretch and a breather to try to lessen it hurting. And now I'm home, I'm still feeling sore. 'Sore for the next couple of days'... you say? Well, isn't that something to look forward to, Mr Physio. *winces*
In my brain, regardless of boring 'recovering from accident stuff' (still haven't managed walking by the road without blubbing in frustrated panic yet, and can't bring myself to drive - how pathetic am I!)... there is other good stuff to look forward to. I'm doing the Leadership in Running Fitness course a week on Saturday. We're going to register our Notts Women Runners group with Run England in the next few weeks. And I've entered another half marathon for next month (Beacon Trail Half Marathon - a half marathon for fun, what am I thinking?!?!).
Life may be temporarily derailed, but good ol' running is giving me stuff to focus on which is helping drag my head out of the sludge-fest it currently finds itself in. That's not bad going really. Thank you, running!
And tea. Thank you tea for being all tea-ish and delicious.
And painkillers. Those are awesome too. :o)
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 3.17 mi |
| Time: | 27:25 |
| Avg Pace: | 8:39 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 126 ft |
Tuesday, 14 October 2014
Runstreak Day #312 - accidents and anger
Running has been a sanctuary from images like this playing in my mind. When I run, I feel a sense of calm which neutralises the panic which rises at other times. Today I ran. And for every car which pulled out of a driveway without looking properly, I felt like I wanted to show them this image and shout 'It's NEVER worth taking risks' at them. For every car which dashed over pelican crossings without stopping... or every car which jumped the lights. The calm vanishes in an instant and a sharp spike of anger replaces it... and then the calm returns.
I am a bit of a solitary runner at the moment. I can do a veneer of conversation, which is handy when you're running with a group - as with this evening - and don't want to appear rude... but as I run, I'm processing and thinking and calming and don't feel quite the same as I did before. Chit chat is okay, but I need my running for selfish reasons right now.
Coooer, that was a bit of a meander, wasn't it? I think I'm saying that I ran today. I'm glad I ran. I needed to run. And when there's stuff that's just too big for you to get your head around... running is still a safe space... even when you feel like shouting at the world.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 4.07 mi |
| Time: | 33:43 |
| Avg Pace: | 8:17 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 256 ft |
Tuesday, 23 September 2014
Runstreak Day #293 - sanity and the daily battle
Well... tomorrow will be a week since the car accident and it has been a really tough few days. I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the support from other runners. They have been beyond kind. I am struggling to tell people face-to-face about what happened, so being able to write it here has allowed me to talk when I just haven't been able to speak about it.
I spoke to a counsellor today. She was very reassuring and calm... and although I wept my way through speaking to her, she did help me to feel that what I'm going through is a normal reaction to trauma. She asked what I did to relax and get the flashbacks out of my head. I said to her that I run. It's slow and painful at the moment, but I run. She said, then do that. And I'm glad that I have carried on running. It's been terribly hard but it has been so physically demanding that it's given me breathing space from the images that are in my head and the fear which doesn't quite seem to clear.
Today's run was hard again. I managed just over a mile before the pain in my ribs and chest became so bad I needed to stop to get my breath. It didn't really clear for the next miles or so and in the end I ran up a steep hill (repeating to myself 'it's only a hill' as I went) to distract myself from the pain.
I don't advocate anyone do what I'm doing at the moment. I am a bit of a mess. I have tonsillitis. Running instead of complete rest will make many people tut at me. But for half an hour every day, I can distract myself from thoughts about bikers lying on roads. Terrified children. Cars that are stoved in at the front. A buckled car roof and a door that has to be forced open to escape. Blue flashing lights. And nights that change your life forever.
Geeky stats stuff
I spoke to a counsellor today. She was very reassuring and calm... and although I wept my way through speaking to her, she did help me to feel that what I'm going through is a normal reaction to trauma. She asked what I did to relax and get the flashbacks out of my head. I said to her that I run. It's slow and painful at the moment, but I run. She said, then do that. And I'm glad that I have carried on running. It's been terribly hard but it has been so physically demanding that it's given me breathing space from the images that are in my head and the fear which doesn't quite seem to clear.
Today's run was hard again. I managed just over a mile before the pain in my ribs and chest became so bad I needed to stop to get my breath. It didn't really clear for the next miles or so and in the end I ran up a steep hill (repeating to myself 'it's only a hill' as I went) to distract myself from the pain.
I don't advocate anyone do what I'm doing at the moment. I am a bit of a mess. I have tonsillitis. Running instead of complete rest will make many people tut at me. But for half an hour every day, I can distract myself from thoughts about bikers lying on roads. Terrified children. Cars that are stoved in at the front. A buckled car roof and a door that has to be forced open to escape. Blue flashing lights. And nights that change your life forever.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 3.18 mi |
| Time: | 26:58 |
| Avg Pace: | 8:29 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 156 ft |
Monday, 22 September 2014
Runstreak Day #292 - head above water
It's hard to admit you're struggling. But today has been a struggle. I am finding being in a car extremely difficult. I can't face driving - especially not on my own. Even walking down to the shops this evening was a disaster. I could feel myself slowing and slowing and almost pinned to the side of the pavement furthest away from the road. It felt like every car was coming straight for me. It was awful.
Which means that running on those same pavements, near *that* traffic and feeling that suffocating fear was just not going to happen today. I can't even get in a car to drive to get to the country parks to avoid the roads. And since running is my sanity at the moment, I felt suffocated by it all. In the end, I managed to get myself to run up the hill to the recreation ground which is about a third of a mile away. There was one car that passed me. And I ended up stopped, pinned to the fence of a nearby garden until it went by. Other than that, no cars. Which was a relief.
So, my run this evening was short. It involved going around and around the recreation ground. Zig zagging my way up and down the hill. Blanking out everything just for a short while. I've managed to pick up a throat infection on top of everything else... but I need not to think about what happened for a bit.
When people talk of 'recovery runs', I wonder if they realise how hard a run can be when you're really try to recover?
I'll get there. Am getting support - and appreciate the support I've been given more than anyone could realise - but it is very hard right now.
Geeky stats stuff
Which means that running on those same pavements, near *that* traffic and feeling that suffocating fear was just not going to happen today. I can't even get in a car to drive to get to the country parks to avoid the roads. And since running is my sanity at the moment, I felt suffocated by it all. In the end, I managed to get myself to run up the hill to the recreation ground which is about a third of a mile away. There was one car that passed me. And I ended up stopped, pinned to the fence of a nearby garden until it went by. Other than that, no cars. Which was a relief.
So, my run this evening was short. It involved going around and around the recreation ground. Zig zagging my way up and down the hill. Blanking out everything just for a short while. I've managed to pick up a throat infection on top of everything else... but I need not to think about what happened for a bit.
When people talk of 'recovery runs', I wonder if they realise how hard a run can be when you're really try to recover?
I'll get there. Am getting support - and appreciate the support I've been given more than anyone could realise - but it is very hard right now.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 2.55 mi |
| Time: | 21:57 |
| Avg Pace: | 8:36 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 104 ft |
Thursday, 18 September 2014
Runstreak Day #289 - nothing makes sense
This is going to be a jumble of words... but... here goes.
I don't know if I'm making a mistake by carrying on running. It hurts so much but I can't let this beat me. I don't want to feel like the accident has taken running away from me. I need to feel normal.
I am resting, but if I rest completely I feel like I've lost. I'm holding on to it as tightly as I can because I need to feel like me again.
The stupid thing is that when I'm running, my body feels alien to me. I have no strength and I can't even manage 5k in half an hour. The joy of feeling the speed and power in my legs just isn't there. It's like I'm running in slow motion. But, I need to run. I want to run. And I'm left running so ridiculously carefully. The pains I've got are from the swelling, bruising and cuts, they're not from muscles or joints being injured further. I don't feel like I'm damaging myself. It hurts because I hurt.
It's hard to explain the need to run. I need to clear my head. I need to run and cry and feel no guilt about letting go in front of my children. I need to focus on the rhythm of my breath. I need things to be simple.
I found out the biker's name today. And I thought about him as I ran. I repeated his name over and over. I repeated phrases to soothe myself. To keep me going. I hurt but I don't want to stop. There's no escaping what's happened. Every step and breath hurts and reminds me.
There has to be a reason I'm still here. There has to be.
Geeky stats stuff
I don't know if I'm making a mistake by carrying on running. It hurts so much but I can't let this beat me. I don't want to feel like the accident has taken running away from me. I need to feel normal.
I am resting, but if I rest completely I feel like I've lost. I'm holding on to it as tightly as I can because I need to feel like me again.
The stupid thing is that when I'm running, my body feels alien to me. I have no strength and I can't even manage 5k in half an hour. The joy of feeling the speed and power in my legs just isn't there. It's like I'm running in slow motion. But, I need to run. I want to run. And I'm left running so ridiculously carefully. The pains I've got are from the swelling, bruising and cuts, they're not from muscles or joints being injured further. I don't feel like I'm damaging myself. It hurts because I hurt.
It's hard to explain the need to run. I need to clear my head. I need to run and cry and feel no guilt about letting go in front of my children. I need to focus on the rhythm of my breath. I need things to be simple.
I found out the biker's name today. And I thought about him as I ran. I repeated his name over and over. I repeated phrases to soothe myself. To keep me going. I hurt but I don't want to stop. There's no escaping what's happened. Every step and breath hurts and reminds me.
There has to be a reason I'm still here. There has to be.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 3.27 mi |
| Time: | 33:23 |
| Avg Pace: | 10:12 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 94 ft |
Tuesday, 16 September 2014
Runstreak Day #288 - the car accident
Can't quite process what happened yesterday evening. We were driving back from visiting my brother when a motorbike crashed into us, head on - people who witnessed it said he overtook right into our path. There was nothing my husband could do to avoid him. He hit us at speed in the middle of the front of the car.
He didn't make it.
We escaped with only cuts and bruises. By 2am we were discharged from hospital.
I wish I could turn back the clock so that the motorcyclist could change his mind about overtaking. I feel relief that my children were just about unhurt... but if I catch myself thinking that we were lucky to survive, then lucky isn't the right word. A man died.
He didn't make it.
We escaped with only cuts and bruises. By 2am we were discharged from hospital.
I wish I could turn back the clock so that the motorcyclist could change his mind about overtaking. I feel relief that my children were just about unhurt... but if I catch myself thinking that we were lucky to survive, then lucky isn't the right word. A man died.
I have been a mess today. Holding it together in front of the kids, but replaying it with tears every time I'm on my own. The image of the biker lying on the road while they tried in vain to save him won't leave me. I see it all the time. Whether my eyes are open or closed. He's there, with someone compressing his chest while the blue lights flash.
I needed to stop seeing it for a while and blank it out the only way I know how. I ran. I know it's mad. Every step hurt. My ankle, my leg, my back, my chest. I was painfully slow. I cried as I went. I didn't care who saw or what they thought. I repeated to myself 'you will not beat me' and with every breath making me wince, I ran.
I ran because this time yesterday I stood on the verge at the scene of a fatal accident, holding my children close to me while they cried in terror... and our car was wrecked, and the poor, poor motorcyclist lay deathly still in the road... and for some reason we survived.
I ran because I am alive. And if I run, I know my life is still mine.
Even if it feels broken right now.
Geeky stats stuff
| Distance: | 6.18 mi |
| Time: | 1:03:02 |
| Avg Pace: | 10:12 min/mi |
| Elevation Gain: | 150 ft |
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