Thursday, 18 September 2014

Runstreak Day #289 - nothing makes sense

This is going to be a jumble of words... but... here goes.

I don't know if I'm making a mistake by carrying on running.  It hurts so much but I can't let this beat me.  I don't want to feel like the accident has taken running away from me.  I need to feel normal.

I am resting, but if I rest completely I feel like I've lost.  I'm holding on to it as tightly as I can because I need to feel like me again.

The stupid thing is that when I'm running, my body feels alien to me.  I have no strength and I can't even manage 5k in half an hour.  The joy of feeling the speed and power in my legs just isn't there.  It's like I'm running in slow motion.  But, I need to run.  I want to run.  And I'm left running so ridiculously carefully.  The pains I've got are from the swelling, bruising and cuts, they're not from muscles or joints being injured further.  I don't feel like I'm damaging myself.  It hurts because I hurt.

It's hard to explain the need to run.  I need to clear my head.  I need to run and cry and feel no guilt about letting go in front of my children.  I need to focus on the rhythm of my breath.  I need things to be simple.

I found out the biker's name today.  And I thought about him as I ran.  I repeated his name over and over.  I repeated phrases to soothe myself. To keep me going.  I hurt but I don't want to stop.  There's no escaping what's happened.  Every step and breath hurts and reminds me.

There has to be a reason I'm still here.  There has to be.

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:3.27 mi
Avg Pace:10:12 min/mi
Elevation Gain:94 ft

1 comment:

  1. Please rest Sarah. You can come back to running later when you are over this. Remember that your body and mind are interdependent and you need to ease up. Your will is no good here. You will know when you can start again.