Runstreak Day #312 - accidents and anger

Today has been seriously hard.  We had to go to get the last of our possessions from our wrecked car and drive along the road where the accident happened.  The last we saw of the car was on the night of the accident... since then, this image has played in my mind.  In the immediate aftermath it felt like all the cars coming towards me were caving in, their bonnets melting into the same mess ours had been left in.  I'm still struggling with walking on my own near traffic.  I can't bring myself to drive yet.  I know that today was another piece of the puzzle in finding a way to come to terms with what's happened.  It was no less shocking to see it.

Running has been a sanctuary from images like this playing in my mind.  When I run, I feel a sense of calm which neutralises the panic which rises at other times.  Today I ran.  And for every car which pulled out of a driveway without looking properly, I felt like I wanted to show them this image and shout 'It's NEVER worth taking risks' at them.  For every car which dashed over pelican crossings without stopping... or every car which jumped the lights.  The calm vanishes in an instant and a sharp spike of anger replaces it... and then the calm returns.

I am a bit of a solitary runner at the moment.  I can do a veneer of conversation, which is handy when you're running with a group - as with this evening - and don't want to appear rude... but as I run, I'm processing and thinking and calming and don't feel quite the same as I did before.  Chit chat is okay, but I need my running for selfish reasons right now.

Coooer, that was a bit of a meander, wasn't it?  I think I'm saying that I ran today.  I'm glad I ran.  I needed to run.  And when there's stuff that's just too big for you to get your head around... running is still a safe space... even when you feel like shouting at the world.

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:	4.07 mi
Time:	33:43
Avg Pace:	8:17 min/mi
Elevation Gain:	256 ft

Runstreak Day #311 - contrasts and control

Finally hauled my backside outside for a run.  It took hours to coax myself off the sofa.  You'd think by my 311th day, I'd have gone into auto-pilot and would just get ready and go.  But no.  We're back to dark, dismal days and I would rather be snuggled up under a duvet than plodding round the streets with my 'still tired from Sunday's HM' legs reluctantly doing their thing.

In the end, I managed just over 5k.  Wearing a bizarre combo of running shorts, long-sleeved top and a buff, covering my ears.  It's cold, but I'm not quite prepared to ditch the shorts yet.  That would be admitting seasonal defeat and accepting that we really were headed for the months of shivery yuck.  So, my legs are still out - their pasty whiteness acting in a reflective capacity as I lollop around the streets.

Am still mildly bemused by the fact that I can run around the streets, but am struggling to walk around them on my own.  I walked a little on my own today and my hands were balled up with tension while I felt sick as I forced myself to put one foot in front of another.  I wonder if it's because I had to work so, so hard to start running... and to force myself through the umpteen things I was afraid of (from running with others to races to running on the streets or running at night)... that I feel a sense of control and ownership over it that gives me a confidence I need and can still tap into.  Who knows?  It's maddening to be trapped other than running right now though.

So, some days it might take me an effort to get out and run.  You can't underestimate how important it is to stick at it and to make it part of your life.  Even if you do go out looking like a crazy short-wearing fool on a cold night in October!

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:	3.19 mi
Time:	26:57
Avg Pace:	8:26 min/mi
Elevation Gain:	126 ft