Friday, 24 October 2014

Runstreak Day #318 - afternoon run

Haven't done a run in an afternoon for absolutely ages.  I'm not at work at the moment - the 'delights' of dealing with post-traumatic stress are keeping me off - so I had the opportunity to run while it was still daylight.

It was okay.  Sometimes you're able to completely clear your head when you're running.  Sometimes, thoughts intrude that you'd rather not have in your mind.

Like today.  I keep wondering what's wrong with me and why I don't feel angry at the motorcyclist for what happened with the accident.  Part of me feels guilty - surely I should feel angry at the fact that he could have killed my children??  Even with that thought, I still don't feel anger towards him.  It all just seems so pointless.  What is the point in feeling anger at someone who's gone?  So, the thought plays in my mind as I run.  What would I have said to him had he survived?  I don't know.  What would I say to him if I could, even though he's gone?  I don't know.  I just feel a kind of flat sadness that I'm struggling to shake.

And when that thought lodges itself in my head, it permeates the whole run.  It's all an effort.  I run, but I run heavy.  And if I'm not careful, the fear and tension I feel when I'm trying to walk somewhere on my own, starts to seep in to my running and any sudden noise jangles me completely.  I ended up running up and down a pretty steep hill to get myself on a more even keel.  I have to concentrate so hard on getting up it, or not slipping as I run down, that those other negative churning thoughts calm for a bit.

The funny thing is... if anyone were to see me run... they'd have just seen a runner running.  You can look perfectly okay from the outside and be a mess on the inside.

Another day.  Another run.  Some are good.  Some are bad.  Some are just confusing.  But there's always something to be gained from all those different flavours of run.

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:3.17 mi
Avg Pace:8:29 min/mi
Elevation Gain:214 ft

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