Took it very steady today as my chest infection still hasn't coughed its last and I'm not feeling 100% at all. The sensible thing to do would be to rest, but I really can't be bothered with being sensible. Although I had a really good day with family, I needed the headspace after full-on busyness all day, plus a physio session too.
I also had a stark reminder that the PTSD still has a strong hold on me after going to walk down to the shop this morning and realising in the first few seconds that I'd forgotten my iPod. That doesn't sound like much, but to get myself walking and not freezing / panicking, I've been listening to my iPod loudly so it blanks out the noise of traffic etc. Well, I thought to myself 'I've walked for miles and miles trying to get better at being on my own outside, I can do this'... only... it turned out that I REALLY couldn't. I was so disappointed and angry at myself. I just couldn't keep myself going without the panic hitting again and again. I was almost in tears by the time I got to the shop and when I'd bought what I needed had to force myself out of the shop to walk home again. It was all overwhelming.
So, the need to feel free and okay outside again was very strong. I felt exhausted and wheezy... but I needed to run. I listened to the Couch to 5k podcasts I'd used to get me running in the first place two years ago as I'm starting to run beginners sessions in just over a week's time and I wanted to refresh it in my mind and think about how to plan for my own sessions. It was good to hear it and although I wasn't following along with it, it helped me remember how it felt to start and that's going to be so useful for the sessions. I ended up running just over 5k and then coughed and coughed my way into a shower when I got home.
Two more days until day 400. That's a lotta runs, isn't it! Could wish that I was having some easier runs at the moment though. Maybe that'll be the way to celebrate day 400? A nice happy easy healthy well run!! Yeah, that'd be good!!
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