Runstreak Day #293 - sanity and the daily battle

Well... tomorrow will be a week since the car accident and it has been a really tough few days.  I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the support from other runners.  They have been beyond kind.  I am struggling to tell people face-to-face about what happened, so being able to write it here has allowed me to talk when I just haven't been able to speak about it.

I spoke to a counsellor today.  She was very reassuring and calm... and although I wept my way through speaking to her, she did help me to feel that what I'm going through is a normal reaction to trauma.  She asked what I did to relax and get the flashbacks out of my head.  I said to her that I run.  It's slow and painful at the moment, but I run.  She said, then do that.  And I'm glad that I have carried on running.  It's been terribly hard but it has been so physically demanding that it's given me breathing space from the images that are in my head and the fear which doesn't quite seem to clear.

Today's run was hard again.  I managed just over a mile before the pain in my ribs and chest became so bad I needed to stop to get my breath.  It didn't really clear for the next miles or so and in the end I ran up a steep hill (repeating to myself 'it's only a hill' as I went) to distract myself from the pain.

I don't advocate anyone do what I'm doing at the moment.  I am a bit of a mess.  I have tonsillitis.  Running instead of complete rest will make many people tut at me.  But for half an hour every day, I can distract myself from thoughts about bikers lying on roads.  Terrified children.  Cars that are stoved in at the front.  A buckled car roof and a door that has to be forced open to escape.  Blue flashing lights.  And nights that change your life forever.

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:	3.18 mi
Time:	26:58
Avg Pace:	8:29 min/mi
Elevation Gain:	156 ft

Runstreak Day #292 - head above water

It's hard to admit you're struggling.  But today has been a struggle.  I am finding being in a car extremely difficult.  I can't face driving - especially not on my own.  Even walking down to the shops this evening was a disaster.  I could feel myself slowing and slowing and almost pinned to the side of the pavement furthest away from the road.  It felt like every car was coming straight for me.  It was awful.

Which means that running on those same pavements, near *that* traffic and feeling that suffocating fear was just not going to happen today.  I can't even get in a car to drive to get to the country parks to avoid the roads.  And since running is my sanity at the moment, I felt suffocated by it all.  In the end, I managed to get myself to run up the hill to the recreation ground which is about a third of a mile away.  There was one car that passed me.  And I ended up stopped, pinned to the fence of a nearby garden until it went by.  Other than that, no cars.  Which was a relief.

So, my run this evening was short.  It involved going around and around the recreation ground.  Zig zagging my way up and down the hill.  Blanking out everything just for a short while.  I've managed to pick up a throat infection on top of everything else... but I need not to think about what happened for a  bit.

When people talk of 'recovery runs', I wonder if they realise how hard a run can be when you're really try to recover?

I'll get there.  Am getting support - and appreciate the support I've been given more than anyone could realise - but it is very hard right now.

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:	2.55 mi
Time:	21:57
Avg Pace:	8:36 min/mi
Elevation Gain:	104 ft

Runstreak Day #291 - not giving in

Goals.  Goals can definitely keep you going when everything else is messed up.

Running is amazing for letting you set goals.  Right now, they're small.

I wanted to manage to get a run where I got 8 minute-something miles again.  I want to be able to do a longer run with a 9 minute mile average - which, considering where I was at just a week ago, wouldn't seem a goal at all.  But everything changed with the accident and now it feels like something that's just out of reach.  I want to run with others.  I want to feel confident enough to drive somewhere for a run.  I want to be able to run the Robin Hood half.  I really want that last one.  All those months of running and working and trying... and not to be able to run that half marathon?  I just want to get there.  I want to complete it.  I want to feel like me again.

That last one sounds like a small goal, but it's actually huge.  And it feels really really far away.

My body feels less alien as the swelling goes down on my hips.  New bruises seem to be appearing on my legs, feet and ankles, no doubt from when the car came to that awful sudden and complete stop.  And my back and chest hurt constantly, reminding me of what happened.

But, if nothing else, I am a pretty determined person.  And running gives me a freedom and a headspace that I am going to hold on to right now.  Because more than ever, I need it.

That and my small goals.

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:	3.12 mi
Time:	27:10
Avg Pace:	8:42 min/mi
Elevation Gain:	110 ft

Runstreak Day #290 - whatever keeps you going

Another rough day.

Bruising going crazy colours.  Still feel like it's more a shuffle than a run.  Still painful and have absolutely no power to my running at all.  But for a while when I'm running I don't have to think about anything other than running.  I don't have to talk to anyone about what happened.  I don't have to think about the mess we have to deal with.  I can breathe and concentrate on something physical.

It is still such hard work.  I find myself chanting things to myself to keep going.  Stupid stuff like 'you can do it, you can do it' over and over.  I want to run the Robin Hood half marathon a week on Sunday.  I went from wanting to complete it when I originally signed up, to wanting a time which was sub-2 hours.  But now I'm back to wanting just to complete it.  And if I have to chant my way around the whole 13.1 miles, then that's what I'm going to do.

I won't let this take my running too.  I am struggling to process what's happened.  I drove for the first time today and couldn't manage more than 15 mph.  I can't talk to anyone about the accident without the tears coming.  But I can run.  It's slow and it's painful.  But it's my bit of almost normal.

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:	3.15 mi
Time:	29:40
Avg Pace:	9:24 min/mi
Elevation Gain:	106 ft

Runstreak Day #294 - community and parkrunning

I know I've said this before, but the running community completely and utterly blows me away with how kind and incredible they are.  From the messages I've been sent to the thoughtful responses to my posts from the last week - they have helped me in a myriad of ways.

Today was no exception.  I really wanted to do parkrun again but I haven't been around many people at all since the accident and was feeling anxious about it.  Part of the reason for wanting to go to do parkrun was that I am determined that I'll run the Robin Hood half marathon next Sunday, and I needed to get back to running with other people.  It was a huge hurdle to get over - complicated by the fact that I don't feel I can drive at the moment so couldn't get there on my own and I still have tonsillitis, regardless of how crap my running is right now because of dealing with bruises and other pain.

In the end, an amazing running friend picked me up and drove me there and kept me company while I was getting myself wound up into a nervous mess at the start, and even more brilliantly, ran with me - and was prepared to stop if I needed to at any point.  Plus, I had hugs from other lovely Notts runners.  My running friend was fantastic and stuck with me when I couldn't stop myself from bolting off to get around the people in front.  I think it's all part of that suffocating out-of-control feeling from the accident last week.  I can't cope with feeling trapped at all.  I must have looked a state.  Wild-eyed, white faced panic with a crazy running technique where I'm running whilst holding my side as my ribs are very painful - what anyone else must have thought, I don't know.

Anyway, I did it.  I ran the whole thing.  I didn't give in to the anxiety.  I didn't give in to the pain.  And I feel humbled by the support I've received.

I'm not sure how I'll cope a week on Sunday.  I *will* run that half marathon though.   Life is a nightmare at the moment, but I'm damned if the accident is taking my running from me.

This community, our running community, is a very special thing.

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:	3.16 mi
Time:	26:01
Avg Pace:	8:14 min/mi
Elevation Gain:	35 ft

Runstreak Day #289 - nothing makes sense

This is going to be a jumble of words... but... here goes.

I don't know if I'm making a mistake by carrying on running.  It hurts so much but I can't let this beat me.  I don't want to feel like the accident has taken running away from me.  I need to feel normal.

I am resting, but if I rest completely I feel like I've lost.  I'm holding on to it as tightly as I can because I need to feel like me again.

The stupid thing is that when I'm running, my body feels alien to me.  I have no strength and I can't even manage 5k in half an hour.  The joy of feeling the speed and power in my legs just isn't there.  It's like I'm running in slow motion.  But, I need to run.  I want to run.  And I'm left running so ridiculously carefully.  The pains I've got are from the swelling, bruising and cuts, they're not from muscles or joints being injured further.  I don't feel like I'm damaging myself.  It hurts because I hurt.

It's hard to explain the need to run.  I need to clear my head.  I need to run and cry and feel no guilt about letting go in front of my children.  I need to focus on the rhythm of my breath.  I need things to be simple.

I found out the biker's name today.  And I thought about him as I ran.  I repeated his name over and over.  I repeated phrases to soothe myself. To keep me going.  I hurt but I don't want to stop.  There's no escaping what's happened.  Every step and breath hurts and reminds me.

There has to be a reason I'm still here.  There has to be.

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:	3.27 mi
Time:	33:23
Avg Pace:	10:12 min/mi
Elevation Gain:	94 ft

Runstreak Day #288 - the car accident

Can't quite process what happened yesterday evening. We were driving back from visiting my brother when a motorbike crashed into us, head on - people who witnessed it said he overtook right into our path. There was nothing my husband could do to avoid him. He hit us at speed in the middle of the front of the car. 

He didn't make it.

We escaped with only cuts and bruises. By 2am we were discharged from hospital. 

I wish I could turn back the clock so that the motorcyclist could change his mind about overtaking. I feel relief that my children were just about unhurt... but if I catch myself thinking that we were lucky to survive, then lucky isn't the right word. A man died. 

I have been a mess today. Holding it together in front of the kids, but replaying it with tears every time I'm on my own. The image of the biker lying on the road while they tried in vain to save him won't leave me. I see it all the time. Whether my eyes are open or closed. He's there, with someone compressing his chest while the blue lights flash.

I needed to stop seeing it for a while and blank it out the only way I know how. I ran. I know it's mad. Every step hurt. My ankle, my leg, my back, my chest. I was painfully slow. I cried as I went. I didn't care who saw or what they thought. I repeated to myself 'you will not beat me' and with every breath making me wince, I ran.

I ran because this time yesterday I stood on the verge at the scene of a fatal accident, holding my children close to me while they cried in terror... and our car was wrecked, and the poor, poor motorcyclist lay deathly still in the road... and for some reason we survived.

I ran because I am alive. And if I run, I know my life is still mine.

Even if it feels broken right now.

Geeky stats stuff

Distance:	6.18 mi
Time:	1:03:02
Avg Pace:	10:12 min/mi
Elevation Gain:	150 ft