... a completely no pressure run. Well, no pressure on me to run in any way which means I'm working hard physically. But when you're running with a child, the challenge is far more mental than anything else! Parenting on the run, if that were an Olympic sport, I would be a strong contender for some kind of medal, or at least I'm pretty sure I'd meet the qualifying standard!
It always starts off so well when it comes to running with kids. My littlest is completely up for it and over Christmas had kept on saying 'when's running club on again?', 'why isn't it running club tonight?' and so on. And then, when it comes to it today, he wants to go, but then says he's not going to run fast. Or run at all. To which I say, 'don't worry about coming tonight if you're not feeling up to it, there's always another day', and he groans and says 'oka-a-a-a-ay, I'll come', even though it would be have been entirely fine if he hadn't wanted to!
Anyway, we made it to Sweatshop... and he actually did a fair bit of running. Erratic running! First pretty steady, then sprinting, then steady, then a bit of sprinting... and all the while I'm having to make sure I stay with him. And then there are the bits where he disappears doing some kind of ninja superhero thing by running over walls, through bits of scrubland and up and down any steps / slopes he spots. And at any point what is good fun could turn to tears and 'I can't do thi-i-i-i-i-i-is' wailing. You just never know. Running roulette... at any point... it could be all over. :o)
He managed 2.6 miles in the end. The last half mile was hard work - lots of enthusiasm and encouragement and offers to stop / walk if needed. But he could see the faster runner catching us up (they do a longer loop than us) and he was getting in a panic that he wasn't going to be first back! The joy of being competitive and unrealistic all at the same time. So, we did it. Another mummy and kid run. A rollercoaster of 'this is the best thing ever' to the depths of boy-shaped despair.
But he still wants to go again next week and is thrilled that he's been to enough Sweatshop runs to get his own t-shirt!!
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
Runstreak Day #402 - rest can be active
... because active is what helps you hold on to your sanity. I haven't mentioned it much lately, but I am still being quite badly affected by PTSD. I haven't been at work since the accident and am signed off for another 6 weeks. When I've been writing about my running recently, I've tried to focus on the running rather than the feelings behind the running. But I think with having had a chest infection this past week, people are judging me for making a bad choice to run at all. They really don't get it though. The idea that somehow I'm setting a bad example to others by running when I'm not 100% doesn't sit well with me. Not least because, to be honest, I haven't been 100% for months. I'm just getting better at hiding how bad it can be.
An example - last night, I slept for 1 hour. That was it. That's not unusual. I am woken by nightmares every single night. And by around about 2am that's it for sleeping. I have nightmares about the accident. I have nightmares about driving again. I have nightmares about bikers dying on roads in front of me. I struggle to walk outside on my own without listening to music so loudly I can't hear the traffic. I struggle to be a passenger in a car without gripping on to the door and seat, bracing myself for an impact which feels inevitable. I have flashbacks where I feel the impact again and again, the pain searing in my leg once more as it happens. I can't even sit in the driver's side of a car and the thought of driving is enough to induce a panic attack. It's only in the last few weeks that I've been able to let go of some of the guilt about the accident. I can fake doing normal for a short while in front of other people. But it's absolutely and utterly exhausting. And yes, despite all of that, it is slowly, slowly getting better. Yet, it's not better by any means.
So, when people think I'm making a bad choice for running when I have a chest infection - well, maybe I am. Maybe I would be making a bad choice if I were them. But I'm not them. I'm me, finding a way to be free for a short while. To run. To be outside without a crushing fear overwhelming me. And yes, I might well cough and feel rough. You know what? I might well be setting a bad example - if my life weren't the way it is at the moment - but it is how it is, and along with counselling and medication, I run to feel better. I run to remember how life *can* feel.
And tonight I ran again. When anyone else might be tucked up in bed, coughing. I ran. I didn't run far, I didn't run fast. But I was outside, on my own, and I felt safe. For a short, precious while, I felt safe again.
An example - last night, I slept for 1 hour. That was it. That's not unusual. I am woken by nightmares every single night. And by around about 2am that's it for sleeping. I have nightmares about the accident. I have nightmares about driving again. I have nightmares about bikers dying on roads in front of me. I struggle to walk outside on my own without listening to music so loudly I can't hear the traffic. I struggle to be a passenger in a car without gripping on to the door and seat, bracing myself for an impact which feels inevitable. I have flashbacks where I feel the impact again and again, the pain searing in my leg once more as it happens. I can't even sit in the driver's side of a car and the thought of driving is enough to induce a panic attack. It's only in the last few weeks that I've been able to let go of some of the guilt about the accident. I can fake doing normal for a short while in front of other people. But it's absolutely and utterly exhausting. And yes, despite all of that, it is slowly, slowly getting better. Yet, it's not better by any means.
So, when people think I'm making a bad choice for running when I have a chest infection - well, maybe I am. Maybe I would be making a bad choice if I were them. But I'm not them. I'm me, finding a way to be free for a short while. To run. To be outside without a crushing fear overwhelming me. And yes, I might well cough and feel rough. You know what? I might well be setting a bad example - if my life weren't the way it is at the moment - but it is how it is, and along with counselling and medication, I run to feel better. I run to remember how life *can* feel.
And tonight I ran again. When anyone else might be tucked up in bed, coughing. I ran. I didn't run far, I didn't run fast. But I was outside, on my own, and I felt safe. For a short, precious while, I felt safe again.
Monday, 5 January 2015
Runstreak Day #401 - 5k more in the bag
You know what drives me a little bit mad about running? When you're 100% well, people take it for granted that you can and will run. They assume you're running *because* you're well. And then, when you're not feeling 100%, all of a sudden you're taking risks with your health, you're being stupid, you're encouraging others to make stupid choices with their own running etc etc. It doesn't occur to them that you're just making a judgement call on exactly how 'not 100%' you actually are, and are going for a run based on your own personal decision. Being judged after the fact just doesn't help in the slightest.
But then, I guess when it comes to running, other people find it hard to hear that it's not always easy. That you don't always sail through each and every run. That sometimes it is just plain ol' work when it comes to getting out there and getting a run in. The fact that I've had a chest infection and carried on running is - according to most - stupid... and according to some, plain irresponsible. However, I've been running slowly. I am running well within my capabilities and I am resting the rest of the time. No, it's not everyone's choice to run when things aren't perfect. But I am not everyone. Running every day makes the act of running normal. You don't stop walking, breathing, eating, sleeping etc because you're not feeling 100%. You just do those things with a bit more care for yourself, a bit more awareness. A bit more resting in between times. Well, running is as normal as those things are for other people.
Life is complicated. The choice to run is complicated. Giving in and giving up is simple. I don't do simple.
Today, I ran just over 5k. I stopped from time to time to get my breath. And yes, I coughed a lot when I'd finished. But I'm not coughing now. I am getting better. And I had the kind of stressful exhausting day (counselling and doctor's appointments) which meant that running helped look after my mental health as well as buying me some freedom.
And if you're tutting and rolling your eyes at my choice to run today. Buckle up. You'll get plenty more opportunities to despair of me. I don't make the choices you make. Get over it. :o)
But then, I guess when it comes to running, other people find it hard to hear that it's not always easy. That you don't always sail through each and every run. That sometimes it is just plain ol' work when it comes to getting out there and getting a run in. The fact that I've had a chest infection and carried on running is - according to most - stupid... and according to some, plain irresponsible. However, I've been running slowly. I am running well within my capabilities and I am resting the rest of the time. No, it's not everyone's choice to run when things aren't perfect. But I am not everyone. Running every day makes the act of running normal. You don't stop walking, breathing, eating, sleeping etc because you're not feeling 100%. You just do those things with a bit more care for yourself, a bit more awareness. A bit more resting in between times. Well, running is as normal as those things are for other people.
Life is complicated. The choice to run is complicated. Giving in and giving up is simple. I don't do simple.
Today, I ran just over 5k. I stopped from time to time to get my breath. And yes, I coughed a lot when I'd finished. But I'm not coughing now. I am getting better. And I had the kind of stressful exhausting day (counselling and doctor's appointments) which meant that running helped look after my mental health as well as buying me some freedom.
And if you're tutting and rolling your eyes at my choice to run today. Buckle up. You'll get plenty more opportunities to despair of me. I don't make the choices you make. Get over it. :o)
Sunday, 4 January 2015
Runstreak Day #400 - Burton Joyce 10k and a chest infection
Would anyone mind doing the 'Day 400 happy dance' for me? I appear to have broken myself a little bit today, so even though my tea drinking arm and mouth seem to be functioning just fine, I'm not convinced I have a happy dance left in me!!!
Today I did my first race of the year - a local 10k on a flat route, which sounded ideal. Plus, I got to meet up with some ace running friends. And the weather was beautifully misty and still this morning.
Until you factor in the 'I've still got a chest infection' issue... and then that complicates everything... because it was crazy cold this morning and that makes breathing / running a teensy bit more tricky. The start of the race was delayed by about 20 minutes as they tried to grit sections of the course, but it was still super dooper slippy in places and you definitely had to watch your feet to make sure you didn't do some kind of mid-air acrobatics!
All I actually wanted from today's race was to complete it. I've had such a pants few months with running that I doubted whether or not I could manage 10k at all. Which seems ridiculous when at the beginning of October, I could manage it in less than 50 minutes... and now I don't know if I can do it at all. I did do it today though - which I'm chuffed about. It was slow. I was having to breathe in a weirdly shallow way so as not to bring on a coughing fit with the cold air. Plus, the urge to stop and walk nearly overwhelmed me just before I finished! And when I did finish, my hands were so painfully cold that I couldn't actually stop my watch for a while... and when I went to the loo afterwards took ages attempting to remove and put back on clothing as I couldn't feel my fingers! Then I spent ten minutes coughing.
And yet, I'm still glad I ran! The crazy gets you like that sometimes. 400 days in a row and there hasn't yet been an excuse not to run which has felt like a genuine reason. Plus... there was bling!! Bling, people! Bling!!!
And tea afterwards. Result! :D
Today I did my first race of the year - a local 10k on a flat route, which sounded ideal. Plus, I got to meet up with some ace running friends. And the weather was beautifully misty and still this morning.
Until you factor in the 'I've still got a chest infection' issue... and then that complicates everything... because it was crazy cold this morning and that makes breathing / running a teensy bit more tricky. The start of the race was delayed by about 20 minutes as they tried to grit sections of the course, but it was still super dooper slippy in places and you definitely had to watch your feet to make sure you didn't do some kind of mid-air acrobatics!
All I actually wanted from today's race was to complete it. I've had such a pants few months with running that I doubted whether or not I could manage 10k at all. Which seems ridiculous when at the beginning of October, I could manage it in less than 50 minutes... and now I don't know if I can do it at all. I did do it today though - which I'm chuffed about. It was slow. I was having to breathe in a weirdly shallow way so as not to bring on a coughing fit with the cold air. Plus, the urge to stop and walk nearly overwhelmed me just before I finished! And when I did finish, my hands were so painfully cold that I couldn't actually stop my watch for a while... and when I went to the loo afterwards took ages attempting to remove and put back on clothing as I couldn't feel my fingers! Then I spent ten minutes coughing.
And yet, I'm still glad I ran! The crazy gets you like that sometimes. 400 days in a row and there hasn't yet been an excuse not to run which has felt like a genuine reason. Plus... there was bling!! Bling, people! Bling!!!
And tea afterwards. Result! :D
Saturday, 3 January 2015
Runstreak Day #399 - still wheezing...
Runstreak Day 399... oooooh... last run of the 300s!!! Flippin' heck!
It was nowt exciting though. A pretty random 5k whereby I started out feeling rough... attempted to run up the mile long hill where I live, but gave up half way, ran back down part of it... then carried on up to the top... did a bit of pootling at the top of the hill... ran down a bit of one of the sides... had a sneaky wheeze and cough (okay, not sneaky at all, it was loud and full on!), and then back up the hill again... and down the main drag, little cough and a wheezebag moment... and then up the hill to home.
Slowly. Ve-e-e-e-e-rrrrrrrrr-r-r-r-ry slowly. And as soon as I got to 5k, I stopped. Exactly where I was. In the middle of the pavement. And walked the last bit home. Not caring one teensy bit what the neighbours might think! Mentally, I'd told myself that I just had to get to 5k... running with a chest infection is knackering... and even the teensiest bit more running after I'd got to my target just was *not* happening. So, it didn't!
S'funny really. The more I run, the less precious I get about needing each run to be brilliant. Sometimes whole runs are brilliant. Sometimes only little bits will be good. But I will always know that I did something just for me, and that's always worth it. Plus, every single day for the past week someone has made a comment about my weight / figure and I am sick of it. When I run, none of those people who've commented run with me. I am free of their opinions. And I get to feel good about the body they criticise and what it can achieve... even when I'm not feeling 100%. So there!
Cuppa? :D
It was nowt exciting though. A pretty random 5k whereby I started out feeling rough... attempted to run up the mile long hill where I live, but gave up half way, ran back down part of it... then carried on up to the top... did a bit of pootling at the top of the hill... ran down a bit of one of the sides... had a sneaky wheeze and cough (okay, not sneaky at all, it was loud and full on!), and then back up the hill again... and down the main drag, little cough and a wheezebag moment... and then up the hill to home.
Slowly. Ve-e-e-e-e-rrrrrrrrr-r-r-r-ry slowly. And as soon as I got to 5k, I stopped. Exactly where I was. In the middle of the pavement. And walked the last bit home. Not caring one teensy bit what the neighbours might think! Mentally, I'd told myself that I just had to get to 5k... running with a chest infection is knackering... and even the teensiest bit more running after I'd got to my target just was *not* happening. So, it didn't!
S'funny really. The more I run, the less precious I get about needing each run to be brilliant. Sometimes whole runs are brilliant. Sometimes only little bits will be good. But I will always know that I did something just for me, and that's always worth it. Plus, every single day for the past week someone has made a comment about my weight / figure and I am sick of it. When I run, none of those people who've commented run with me. I am free of their opinions. And I get to feel good about the body they criticise and what it can achieve... even when I'm not feeling 100%. So there!
Cuppa? :D
Friday, 2 January 2015
Runstreak Day #398 - still wheezing
Took it very steady today as my chest infection still hasn't coughed its last and I'm not feeling 100% at all. The sensible thing to do would be to rest, but I really can't be bothered with being sensible. Although I had a really good day with family, I needed the headspace after full-on busyness all day, plus a physio session too.
I also had a stark reminder that the PTSD still has a strong hold on me after going to walk down to the shop this morning and realising in the first few seconds that I'd forgotten my iPod. That doesn't sound like much, but to get myself walking and not freezing / panicking, I've been listening to my iPod loudly so it blanks out the noise of traffic etc. Well, I thought to myself 'I've walked for miles and miles trying to get better at being on my own outside, I can do this'... only... it turned out that I REALLY couldn't. I was so disappointed and angry at myself. I just couldn't keep myself going without the panic hitting again and again. I was almost in tears by the time I got to the shop and when I'd bought what I needed had to force myself out of the shop to walk home again. It was all overwhelming.
So, the need to feel free and okay outside again was very strong. I felt exhausted and wheezy... but I needed to run. I listened to the Couch to 5k podcasts I'd used to get me running in the first place two years ago as I'm starting to run beginners sessions in just over a week's time and I wanted to refresh it in my mind and think about how to plan for my own sessions. It was good to hear it and although I wasn't following along with it, it helped me remember how it felt to start and that's going to be so useful for the sessions. I ended up running just over 5k and then coughed and coughed my way into a shower when I got home.
Two more days until day 400. That's a lotta runs, isn't it! Could wish that I was having some easier runs at the moment though. Maybe that'll be the way to celebrate day 400? A nice happy easy healthy well run!! Yeah, that'd be good!!
I also had a stark reminder that the PTSD still has a strong hold on me after going to walk down to the shop this morning and realising in the first few seconds that I'd forgotten my iPod. That doesn't sound like much, but to get myself walking and not freezing / panicking, I've been listening to my iPod loudly so it blanks out the noise of traffic etc. Well, I thought to myself 'I've walked for miles and miles trying to get better at being on my own outside, I can do this'... only... it turned out that I REALLY couldn't. I was so disappointed and angry at myself. I just couldn't keep myself going without the panic hitting again and again. I was almost in tears by the time I got to the shop and when I'd bought what I needed had to force myself out of the shop to walk home again. It was all overwhelming.
So, the need to feel free and okay outside again was very strong. I felt exhausted and wheezy... but I needed to run. I listened to the Couch to 5k podcasts I'd used to get me running in the first place two years ago as I'm starting to run beginners sessions in just over a week's time and I wanted to refresh it in my mind and think about how to plan for my own sessions. It was good to hear it and although I wasn't following along with it, it helped me remember how it felt to start and that's going to be so useful for the sessions. I ended up running just over 5k and then coughed and coughed my way into a shower when I got home.
Two more days until day 400. That's a lotta runs, isn't it! Could wish that I was having some easier runs at the moment though. Maybe that'll be the way to celebrate day 400? A nice happy easy healthy well run!! Yeah, that'd be good!!
Thursday, 1 January 2015
Runstreak Day #397 - an epic start to 2015...
Today's run was epic!! All of my health issues have just cleared up. Just like that. No more pain in my ankle, no more pain in my shoulder or neck... and my back feels brand new. Plus, my chest infection... that's gone too. The weather was amazing. Absolutely perfect temperature. No wind. Warmth in the sunshine. Bright blue skies. Everything flowed. My husband even got my trainers ready for me and said to me 'go on love, you enjoy yourself, you've earned a really great run... I'll run you a bath while you're out and make sure that I get dinner sorted. Was it a large cup of peppermint tea you want ready for you when you get back?'. And while I was out, the children tidied their bedrooms. Without even being asked.
Mile after mile of joyful running. Didn't stop once. Didn't even get heckled today or beeped at by anyone. It was amazeballs.
Oh. Oh, no... hang on. All of the above is a crock of old crap. :D
If you fancy nagging me about why I shouldn't have run today, then read the next bit. Otherwise, just imagine that the above really was true and congratulate me on a fabulous start to 2015!!
Today's run was a shocker. I was lying down feeling grumpy and sorry for myself, coughing and generally fed up. When I decided that I was sick of being unable just to go for a run when I felt like going for a run. Fed up of feeling poorly. And fed up of feeling fed up. So, I announce loudly to my husband that I am going for a run and that was that. And got myself ready. Because, as we all know, running is just as much about the mental side of things as the physical, right?
Wrong. Not when you've got a chest infection. What happens instead is that you get all 'I'm just going to do this and you try and stop me' and stride out of the house. Then manage about 20 seconds and realise your lungs are not playing ball. But you're going to brazen it out anyway because, goddammit, you're fed up of doing stupid short runs too. And you manage the first slow mile. Then stop. Unleash torrents of snot and a machine-gun fire of uncontrollable coughing. And get going again. Then stop. And repeat. Cursing your stubbornness for attempting to run when you're clearly not well enough as you go. Making a bargain that you'll just keep going until you get to 5k and then stop completely. So I did. And then walked the last half mile home, too exhausted to do anything else.
GRRRRRRR!!!!
A-a-a-a-a-a-and... commence nagging...
;)
*slurps tea and coughs*
Mile after mile of joyful running. Didn't stop once. Didn't even get heckled today or beeped at by anyone. It was amazeballs.
Oh. Oh, no... hang on. All of the above is a crock of old crap. :D
If you fancy nagging me about why I shouldn't have run today, then read the next bit. Otherwise, just imagine that the above really was true and congratulate me on a fabulous start to 2015!!
Today's run was a shocker. I was lying down feeling grumpy and sorry for myself, coughing and generally fed up. When I decided that I was sick of being unable just to go for a run when I felt like going for a run. Fed up of feeling poorly. And fed up of feeling fed up. So, I announce loudly to my husband that I am going for a run and that was that. And got myself ready. Because, as we all know, running is just as much about the mental side of things as the physical, right?
Wrong. Not when you've got a chest infection. What happens instead is that you get all 'I'm just going to do this and you try and stop me' and stride out of the house. Then manage about 20 seconds and realise your lungs are not playing ball. But you're going to brazen it out anyway because, goddammit, you're fed up of doing stupid short runs too. And you manage the first slow mile. Then stop. Unleash torrents of snot and a machine-gun fire of uncontrollable coughing. And get going again. Then stop. And repeat. Cursing your stubbornness for attempting to run when you're clearly not well enough as you go. Making a bargain that you'll just keep going until you get to 5k and then stop completely. So I did. And then walked the last half mile home, too exhausted to do anything else.
GRRRRRRR!!!!
A-a-a-a-a-a-and... commence nagging...
;)
*slurps tea and coughs*
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