Mental health, mileage and me

When I first started to learn to run I was the ultimate non-running cliché. Known to say loudly that I wouldn't even run for a bus, I took perverse pride in my state as a natural non-runner. I wasn't built for it and when I gave it a go... it hurt!  Who would want to inflict that on themselves?  As my 40s loomed large, a spark of interest flickered into life and I realised it was now or never to really make a difference to my physical health.  Others had tried the 'Couch-to-5k' approach and it had worked for them - but I firmly believed it would not apply to me and set out to prove this to be the case!

On a grim January morning, at a little known nature-reserve in Notts, I put on my ugly, clompy, grey trainers, downloaded the NHS Couch-to-5k app and set off.  It was excruciating!  No-one saw me.  NO ONE!  I would have been mortified if they had. I was officially obese (having given up looking after myself when my father died very suddenly), and as unlike a runner as a house brick.  The app cheerfully announced eight repeats of one minute's run, followed by a 90 second walk.  Each of those little minutes was an exercise in tooth-gritting pain.  Eight repeats of the longest minutes on the planet.  Eight minutes can seem like a lifetime... especially if your brain has decided to take up chanting an enthusiastic chorus of 'kill me now' by the fifth repetition!

Because I am massively stubborn (and given a structure I will stupidly and slavishly follow it!), I stuck with it.  Through the cold sludge of January, the relentless grey of February and bluster of March, I arrived in April and could  run-huff my way for 3 miles. No, it wasn't pretty, but already my body was surprising me.  I'd lost 3 stones in weight and felt I'd regained control over my eating / snacking.

To my bewilderment, I'd started to feel good about what my body could do.  Whereas before, my main achievements were averagely academic, suddenly I had become physically more capable. Each run I could manage a little further. A little faster.  It wasn't exactly enjoyable... it was seriously hard work... but a friend had said to give it 6 months before it clicked, so I did.  Guess what?  He was right. All of a sudden I fancied going for a run.  Mrs 'not even running for a bus'.  Yup.  Me. That one.

Then, within a year and with a few races under my belt, I'd braved running with others, set up a running club (I'm not one for half measures!), completed a few parkruns and felt my confidence increase.  It was a revelation. Then, life came screeching to a halt.  Literally.  One sunny Sunday evening in September, my family and I were involved in a fatal head-on collision with a motorcyclist who rode straight through the bonnet of our car at 70mph.  It was utterly devastating. My life went from having a good work-life balance, happy family life, taking care of things financially to a mess of terrible guilt, flashbacks and deteriorating mental health.

Despite all this, the onset of PTSD, the rearing of a long-buried eating disorder and severe depression / anxiety that would prove cruelly resistant to treatment, part of me refused to give up on my running.

It became my calm in the storm.  Anchoring me to the present. I would never have believed that running could be more than mastering the mechanics of moving one foot in front of the other whilst trying not to expire.  Yet something about its rhythmic calm seemed to make sense when nothing else did. I clung on to the breathing space and security it had established in my life.

Each day, no matter how short or slow the run turned out to be, I laced up my trainers and headed out.  As I ran, my mind calmed.  Flashbacks from the accident, anxiety, the threat of panic attacks and the like receded.  It was just me and motion.  Meditation on the move.  At first, I ran on my own, unable to face the gentle runners' chit chat normally shared on a route.  The very act of being out there and claiming a small piece of the day made sense.

The more obvious benefits of exercise - improved health, improved fitness, improved sleep - seemed not to matter so very much when it came to helping me deal with the nightmare I'd found myself in. It turned out that keeping running actually wasn't about exercise at all.  It was a way of holding on to something more than that. To the outside world at least, Sarah was still Sarah. I didn't know who I was anymore, but I wasn't going to let the accident take my running as well as everything else. I wouldn't let go. I couldn't.

Five years later, I still run as much as I can.  I've had multiple hospital admissions, the depression and PTSD have nearly taken my life on several occasions, the eating disorder still rules every day, countless hours of tear-stained therapy, more medication than most pharmacies... but I still run.  When I run I am free.  When I run I am quieting the noise in my head.  When I run, I listen to the steady patter of my feet and am soothed by the quiet rhythm of my breath. I feel the sharp cold of a Winter's morning and the soft rain of a Spring evening. I say hello to the dog walkers in the park and they chat to me as I go by. I am conscious of the strength in my limbs. It's powerful and beautiful.

You know what though? I am not running away. I'm not really running anywhere. When I run I'm not poor, pathetic Sarah whose life disappeared one Autumn dusk... I am me.

I run for me.  I run to *be* me.  And while I'm able to run, I can hold on for another day.

Runstreak Day 14 - rules for rubbish days

Today's run was all a bit octopus on a treadmill wearing rollerskates.  I just couldn't seem to get any flow to my running at all and I'm not even sure if my legs were receiving any of the signals my brain was trying to get through.  And then there was the breathing.  I was a sad gasping mess as I ran.  Huffing and puffing, the works.

I kept it short, chucked in a couple of hills and got myself round.  And now it's done I'm glad I did it.  Which is kinda handy really!  At least having done a fair old run streak before I know that days like this do just happen and you can't worry about them.  Not every run will feel easy.  Not every run comes over all Chariots of Fire in its epicness.  In fact, quite a lot of runs are just plain cack!  There are three rules for dealing with a crap run day:
1) Cut it short if you need to
2) Don't treat it as though that's how you normally run
3) Forget about it and move on.

I am now commencing rule number 3 while I drink a cuppa.  And... relax!

Runstreak Day 4 - the one that nearly didn't count

Well, it did count... but some how I managed to muck up recording my run so a mile in, I went to check my pace, glanced down and saw the watch offering to save my run for me.  Rats!  I pressed resume and it resumed on 0.00 miles.  Grrrrr!!  I hate it when that happens.  It totally drives me crackers.  I know it's a bit pathetic but I do get a bit 'if it isn't recorded it didn't really happen' about my run streak runs.  And I'd only fancied doing a quick mile... so obviously I then had to run an extra mile to record the fact that I'd run a mile.

Okay... that doesn't make sense, but at the time my runner's logic said that it made sense.  Sorta.

How was the run?  Ermm... okayish.  I'm not going far at the moment, my main goal is just getting back into the simplicity of running.  Where I just get my trainers on, head out of the door and have time to just blank stuff out for a while.  I don't really want to run with anyone at the moment - which I'm not sure is understandable to anyone else - I need to be quiet.  So that's what I did.  Plugged in some music, headed out of the door and made up a route while I was at it.  I did run out of steam a bit after I realised my watch hadn't recorded my first mile... but that's because I was mentally throwing a hissy fit at my watch and having a 'couldn't be arsed' response to it all!

Tomorrow is a whole handful of days on this new run streak.  It's going to take me a while to find my rhythm with this, but I'm going to do it.  I have to reclaim my running - I've given too much of it to others over the past couple of years and I need to have it back.

Runstreak Day 3 - just joggin'

Day 3 and I've managed to do another run first thing in the morning which got it out of the way nicely!  It felt a bit better than yesterday... it probably helps that I've started taking my iron tablets again.  At least I didn't feel faint and wheezy today which was a relief.

Oh yeah, and I ran on my own again today.  Could have run with others but I really do feel that I need time running by myself so that I can control all aspects of the run and not have to think about anyone else.  Selfish, huh?  It's just part of trying to rediscover that easy running which I used to love doing.  I can't hide my running demons when it's just me.  So instead, the idea is that I face them and find out what's up with me at the moment.

Anyway, it was a short run again.  Less than 2 miles and a seriously dull route!  I ran further up the hill before having a sneaky walk and could probably have carried on if I felt inclined to push it.  I can't believe that I managed 13 miles last weekend when a couple of miles is challenging enough!  I'm so glad I sold my place for the Tissington Trail HM next weekend.  I think doing that might have pushed me over the edge and turned me off running completely!

Runstreak Day 2 - yup, I started over...

So I gave up my last run streak.  I got to 795 days and decided that I just didn't want to run the next day.  And I didn't.  And with that little decision my run streak came to an end two and a bit years after I started it.

In the meantime, I've been running a half marathon each month to raise money for Great Ormond Street.  I've been running beginner groups.  And improver running groups.  I've run for patches of time every day, then stopped.  The thing that's really been happening though is that I've lost my pace and I haven't been feeling the love for running for quite a while.  That's not good.  Then, when I was running the Robin Hood Half Marathon last week... not enjoying it and not feeling good while I was running... I made a decision.  I decided not to do any more half marathons this year and to work on finding my love of running again.

For now, I'm going to attempt to run every day in October and see where it takes me.  I'd rather run a little each day and enjoy it, than slog out race after race and hate it.  This morning was my second day.  It wasn't easy - I ended up feeling faint and wheezy.  If I'm honest, I'm finding running a bit of a battle right now and I need to run on my own without any pressure at all.  I didn't even run very far - just a mile and a half - and I definitely didn't run very fast.  Still, I did it.  And tomorrow I'll do it again.  And again and again.  And maybe on one of those runs I'll rediscover the space, peace and strength that running gave me in the first place.

Runstreak Day #453 - skipped one...

... still did two.  Runs, that is.  But I was just too tired to run to pick up my littlest from school, so ended up having a lazy-ish day with my running and just going to Sweatshop with him in the evening instead.  Knowing that although I was going to get a second run in, it really wouldn't be very fast or very far.  And that suited me just fine.

In fact, the morning run was a struggle too.  Not least because the weather was foul.  Itty bitty spitty rain that absolutely soaked my face.  Thank goodness for my waterproof running jacket... but even so, it was horrible out.  Plus, the pavement we use is being dug up in loads of different places, so it's a bit like an obstacle course to navigate our way to school.

The evening run was less wet.  My littlest was tired though and although he managed the first mile and a half without too much problem, by the last half mile he was definitely at the point of having had enough.  He'd got his new running water bottle with him, but even that wasn't sufficient to keep him from flaking out by the end.  He is enjoying it though and that's the most important thing for me.  I'm not prepared to push him to do more than he's comfortable with because if he ends up hating it, what would be the point in that?

So, I copped out a bit today.  Got some miles in.  But nowt more than that.

And sometimes, that's all you need for a running streak!

Runstreak Day #452 - things that seem like a good idea...

... deciding that I'm going to do a race each month in 2015 and then not finding anything to enter in February.  But having the bright idea to do a virtual race that month instead.

And then completely forgetting about it.

And all of a sudden, it's February 25th, you haven't done your 10k and you know that finding the time is going to be tricky in the last three days.

Which is exactly what happened to me!  Whoopsie!!  Just goes to show how fragmented my running is at the moment.  A little bit here, a little bit there.  But no long runs to speak of.  My marathon training is *not* going well at all!!

In the end, I found a friend to run the 10k with and without her, I definitely wouldn't have been able to do it.  I'd already run the 2.5 miles there and back to get my littlest to school in the morning, and I really wasn't feeling it in the slightest.  Knowing that I had to meet someone else put enough pressure on me to get out of the door.  Plus, I could say out loud 'I don't want to run particularly fast' and rather than then trying to kill myself anyway, I had someone with me to go 'I thought you didn't want to go very fast' and slow me down.

So, although it was a bit of a struggle and I really was too tired to do it.  I earned my virtual race medal.  I did my bit of the Miscarriage Association.  And the 'I didn't quite remember to run' guilts have gone.

Oh, and I also over-heated a bit which means... don't tell anyone... but the weather is starting to warm up!  YES!!!

Woooo hooooo!!